Dribbles and Drabbles
by peetz5050
Summary: This is where I'm going to put some short pieces I wrote for various crossover threads and Iron Chef Challenges on PPMB. None of these are long enough to warrant their own story and for the most part they are one off joke pieces which I have no intention of continuing.
1. The Interview (Father Ted crossover)

_This was an idea I had for a crossover between the Daria cast and the Channel 4 (UK) Comedy Program "Father Ted"._

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom. _

_Father Ted is the intellectual property of Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan, Hat Trick Productions and Channel 4._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**The Interview**_

The livingroom door creaked open and Mack entered. He crossed to the window and threw open the drapes. Watery gray daylight flooded the room, shining a spotlight on the ballet of dust motes as they spun and wavered in the dead air. He paused for a moment, gazing at the sea kissing the Western shore of this godforsaken island, willing his eyes to penetrate the murk of heavy, low-lying cloud that blocked his view of the coast of Maine. Somewhere over there was Port Clyde and beyond that, Portland, and beyond that? Boston, New York... CIVILIZATION!

As he turned from the window an empty whiskey bottle flew past his head and shattered on the wall behind him. 'DRINK!' the old priest with the mad, bulging eye roared at him. 'DRINK!'

'And good morning to you too, Father Tony.' Mack replied, coolly. 'How are you today? All set to meet the representatives of the Press?'

'FECK OFF! DRINK!'

'Thought so.'

Just then Father Kevin entered the room, his face devoid of thought or reason, as usual. 'Good Morning, Mack Daddy.' He greeted Mack with his vacuous smile.

'Don't call me that.' Mack answered sharply. 'It's Father Mack, I've told you a million times!'

'Oh, right so, Mack Daddy. Oh, it's going to be great today, won't it M-D?'

'Perhaps, if we make a good impression on this journalist I... I mean we... might get off this rock and sent to a decent parish... in East L.A. or Detroit... or even... Lawndale!'

'AHHH no Mack Daddy, you promised you wouldn't mention that awful place again.'

'DRINK!'

'What's the matter with Father Tony? Has he not had his bottle yet this morning?'

'Ehhh, no. I'm trying to sober him up, I don't want the reporter or the photographer to get the wrong idea.'

'What? Are ya mad Mack? Remember what happened last time he sobered up?'

Mack glanced at the badly repaired plasterwork on the wall where the hole had been and shuddered. He said 'At least there are no firearms in the house this time... Ah hello Mrs. O'Neill, good morning to you.'

'Hello Farders, would yez like a cuppa tea? Ahh, go on ya will, ya will, ya will.'

'No thanks Mrs. O'Neill. Really... no...' He tried to push away the proffered cup just as Mrs. O'Neill started to pour and got himself a handful of scalding hot tea. 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh hhh!' He roared.

Mrs. O'Neill was unfazed by this, she simply took a second cup from her trolley, poured a cupful and thrust it into Mack's good hand. 'Now Farder, it's almost one, will I start breakfast?'

'Yes please Mrs. O'Neill, two soss, two bacon, two slices of tomato, two eggs fried runny and a slice of black pudding for me, with toast.'

Father Kevin added 'I'll have the usual please Mrs. O.'

'So that's one full Irish breakfast and a gutbuster special...'

'DRINK!'

'...and a bottle of Jameson for Farder Tony.'

'No wait, hold the Jameson, we need him on his best behavior today.'

'Are you SURE Farder, after what happened last time.' She answered, gesturing at the flame blackened remains of a TV.

'We have to try... I think it's working already... I think he's almost back on planet Earth.'

Father Tony had risen unsteadily to his feet like a very cheap Zombie apocalypse. He was peering around as if seeing the room for the first time. He pointed down and said 'Floor...'

'Very good Father... keep trying.'

His bulging eye focused on the window. 'Window!...' he said.

'Excellent, we're going to be all right, I knew it.'

Father Tony then squinted at Mack and Kevin and his face fell. 'GOBSHITES!' He roared. 'OH NO... I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN ISLAND!' With that he flung himself through the window and started to run away through the graveyard.

Father Kevin opened a panel beside the window frame and took out an air rifle. He expertly inserted a tranquilizer dart and in one fluid movement knelt by the window and took aim at the fleeing ecclesiast. Father Mack reached down and lifted the barrel. 'No.' He said. 'Let him run free, if only for a little while. Look, there he goes.'

Kevin grinned at him. 'Today is a special day, isn't it Mack Daddy?'

Don't call me that... and yes it is.'

'Ehh why is it special again?'

'Because... look I must have told you a hundred times... because there's a journalist from the American Catholic newspaper in BOSTON! Oh Boston, how I miss you... Any way the journalist and photographer will be here soon to interview me... I mean us, of course... Bishop Brennan's orders. If I make a good impression... no more Craggy Island.'

'So long as no one mentions the funds that went missing in your last parish, right Mack Daddy.'

'Feck, I told you the money was just...'

'Resting in your account.' Chorused Father Kevin and Mrs. O'Neill.

The doorbell rang.

Mack said 'Oh bejayzuz, they're here already. Quick, you answer the door while I try and make the place presentable, hurry up and keep them waiting as long as you can.'

'What Mack?'

'Just go!'

Kevin went out as Mack tried to clean up some of the broken glass from the window. Mrs. O'Neill had gone off to make more tea. Kevin came back in, alone. 'Well.' Mack said. 'Where are they?'

'Ehhh... outside the door Mack.'

'Why didn't you let them in?'

'They're women, Mack.'

'What?'

'They're women.'

'So... let them in.'

'I can't Mack... I can't talk to women... I don't know what to say.'

As they moved out into the hallway Mack said 'But you talk to Mrs. O'Neill every day... and she's a woman!'

Kevin looked at him as if he'd grown another head. 'Come on Mack, you must think I'm an awful eeejit or something if ya expect me to believe that!'

'Well what about Sister Brittany? She's definitely a woman.'

'Is she really? I always thought of her as a pair of footballs in a blanket. You can't fool me Mack Daddy, nuns aren't women.'

'Well of course they are, and don't call me that.' Mack said as he peered through the security peephole. He could just discern a slim auburn haired figure in a green jacket and a taller figure in a red jacket with a Hasselblad slung around her neck.

From outside an emotionless monotone voice said 'You know we can hear you, don't you?'


	2. The Daria Morgendorffer Show

_This was an idea I had for a crossover between Daria and "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and is basically a rehash of that show's first episode._

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" is the intellectual property of James L. Brooks, Allan Burns and CBS_

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This adaptation 2012 Peetz5050_

_**The Daria Morgendorffer Show**_

Daria knocked and entered the office marked "Newsroom". There were a number of busy looking people moving back and forth, preoccupied with their work. 'Excuse me sir, I'm supposed to see a...' She said to a passing man, who completely ignored her.  
'I beg your pardon I wonder if you could... tell me...' The woman brushed passed her and ignored her as well. She spotted a man sitting at a keyboard typing furiously and stood beside him.

'Excuse me.' She said.

'Hello, HELLO!' He said, looking up and noticing the attractive young woman by his desk.

'Hello.'

'Hello.'

'I'm supposed to see a Mr. Grant about a research position.' Daria asked hesitantly.

'It's been filled.'

A rumpled, overweight, middle-aged man came up from behind them and said 'Since this young lady came to see a Mr. Grant why don't you let Mr. Grant handle it? Right this way Miss.' He led her toward an office opposite the door she came in.

'It's been fillledd!' The first man sing-songed as he resumed his typing.

They entered the office and the older man closed the door. Daria, a little nervous, said 'Do you have any idea when Mr. Grant will be back?'

'I'm Mr. Grant.'

'You're back!' Daria went over to the chair on the outside of the desk as the man started rummaging through a drawer, she wasn't sure if she should sit or not as she hadn't yet been invited.

'Look Miss, I was just about to have a drink and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?'

'No, thank you.'

'I said I wouldn't mind some company...'

'Well... all right I'll have a brandy alexander.'

Mr. Grant stood still for a moment, then with a sigh he dropped the bottle of Scotch back into his drawer and said 'How 'bout some coffee?'

'That'll be fine... em... has the job been filled?' Daria asked and sat down.

'Yeah.'

'Oh!' She stood up to leave.

'But there is another job.'

'Oh?' Daria sat down again.

'I figured I'd hire a man for it.'

'Oh.' She stood up again.

'But we can talk about it.'

'Well... good.' She flopped back into the chair, bewildered.

He started leafing through her resume and something caught his eye.  
'Hey!... you live in my favorite neighborhood!'

'Really?... I've just moved in... is it that nice?'

'Nice!... Some of the best saloons in town are over there.' Daria didn't know how to respond to that one. She was about to speak when he asked 'How old are yeh?'

'Thirty.'

'No hedging?... no "How old do I look?"...'

'Why hedge?... ' A little curious she asked 'How old do I look...?'

'Thirty... What religion are yeh?'

'Mr. Grant I don't quite know how to say this but em... you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job... it's against the law.'

'Wanna call a cop?'

'No...'

'Good!... Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?'

'... ... ... Presbyterian. ... ... ... well... I decided I'd answer your religion question.'

'Heh, hah... divorced?'

'No!'

'Never married.'

'No.'

'Why?'

'Why?' Daria's head felt like it was spinning at this point.

'D'you type?'

'Mr. Grant... there's no simple answer to that question...'

'Sure there is... how 'bout... no, I can't type or yes, I can type.'

'There's no simple answer to why a person isn't married.'

'How many different reasons can there be?'

'Sixty-five.'

'...words per minute?... my typing question...?'

'Yes.'

'Look Miss, would you try answering the questions as I ask them?'

'Yes Mr. Grant, I will... but it does seem that you've been asking a lot of personal questions that don't have a thing to do with my qualifications for this job!' She stood up again as if she was going to leave. He came around the desk and stood right in front of her and said 'Ya know what... you've got spunk!'

'Well...' She started to blush.

'I hate spunk!...Tell ya what... I'll try ya out for a couple o' weeks and we'll see if it works out... and if I don't like you... I'll fire ya...'

'Right.'

'You don't like me?... I'll fire ya!'

'That certainly seems fair... ehm... what's the job?'

'The job is that of Associate Producer.'

'Associate Producer!'

'Something wrong?' He asked, beetling his heavy eyebrows in an intimidating fashion.

'No... no... no... I like it... Associate Producer!'

'The job pays ten dollars less per day than a research position.'

'...ehm... that'll be fine.' She said after working out her living expenses in her head.

'If you can get by on fifteen dollars less per day we'll make ya a Producer.'

'No, no... I think all I can afford is Associate Producer.'

'You can start tomorrow.'

'Oh... that's just wonderful... so I'll... seeya tomorrow...' As she left the office she thought to herself _'Wow!... Associate Producer on TV News...'_


	3. A First for Ms Li

It was a regular Monday morning. Angela Li went through the budget one more time to see if she could divert any more funds away from all the useless things like textbooks and teaching aids and into someting important like tailored kevlar body armor for herself. It wasn't looking too good so far so she wondered what scheme she could con the students into this time. The swimsuit calender the Ruttheimer boy suggested would be lucrative but some of the mothers might object. Hmmm... what to do, what to do.

There was a peculiar noise coming from outside, a little like distant thunder but it seemed to be continuous, and getting nearer. She stood and looked out of the window just in time to see a large dark red craft float down from the sky and land on three sturdy articulated legs. It was at least sixty feet from end to end and vaguely insectile in it's configuration. It had markings on it but not in any alphabet that she'd ever seen. Despite it's mass it settled gently on the lawn and it's engines, the source of the rumbling noise, wound down to silence.

She stepped tentatively through the front doors of the school with the faculty and a large group of students behind her, curiously silent. 911, her contacts at the military and even the public number for the CIA in Washington had hung up on her, laughing. "If there was a spaceship we'd have seen it, that's what all those satellites and Air Force Space Command is for, don't worry your little head about it... are you on medication?" None of those billion dollar systems had seen the ship. The guy from the SETI Institute sounded like he was high and just giggled uncontrollably. Even the local cops thought she was another crank call "I'm sure it's a weather baloon, lady" so she was on her own. Damned regulations wouldn't even allow firearms in the school for her security staff!

Thus it was that Angela Li, school principal, was tasked with making First Contact with an alien race. The ship had remained eerily silent for a while but then with heart-stopping suddenness a ramp extended from the ship and a portal slid up. Gases escaped through the doorway and a bright light shone out, illuminating the silhouette of a tall humanoid figure. He advanced into the daylight. He looked almost human, tall, black haired, clean shaven, his eyes had a slightly Asian cast to them but his skin was very pale, almost like parchment. He stepped slowly down the ramp, raising his hands to show he was unarmed. He wore long robes and a metallic looking hooded cloak. The students gasped as he took down the hood revealing pointed ears. He was an alien.

The man approached Angela, obviously making an effort to be non-threatening. He raised his right hand again and parted the fingers into two pairs, making a V. He said something which Angela knew was an alien tongue but somehow arrived in her head as "Live long and prosper."

She tried to mimic his salute but couldn't manage it so she offered a handshake instead and said "Thanks. Please... could you tell me, why did you come here?"

"Greetings to you. I am Commander Stavek of the Vulcan Science Vessel Shi'Kahr. We would not normally interfere with a pre-warp civilization but our sensors indicate that a member of our race, a survivor of a crash landing seventeen of your standard solar orbits ago, is alive and currently attending this educational institution. I apologize for this racially uncharacteristic display of emotion but the child is my own offspring, T'Dar."

Angela Li nodded, finally understanding. "Miss Morgendorffer! It's for YOU - OO."

Quinn snapped her fingers and said "I knew it!" Jodie handed Mack a dollar. Jane... poor Jane... she looked at her only friend as she calmly brushed her hair back behind her ears... her pointy ears... and said "I always knew I was adopted, now I know why." She smiled her demi-smile at Jane and said "Thanks amiga, don't worry... I'll be back. I bet they don't have pizza on Vulcan."

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_Star Trek is the intellectual property of Gene Rodenberry and CBS._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_


	4. Be Careful

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**Be Careful...**_

On Monday morning Daria and Jane walked to school together, exchanging the occasional snark as Jane sipped coffee from her portable mug, trying to kick-start her brain. Just as they reached the drop-off zone in front of the school Jane said 'Who's that? Is she new? I haven't seen her around here before.'

Daria looked where Jane was pointing and raised an eyebrow. She said 'Look out Quinn! You've got competition, you're no longer the fairest of them all.'

The object of their scrutiny crossed the road near them, she seemed nervous and very uncomfortable in the high-heeled sandals she wore. Otherwise she was perfect, simply stunning. Her long, slim, well-toned legs were shown off to great effect by the short plaid micromini skirt she wore. Her bare midriff was adorned by a little cascade of diamonds attached to a ring in her navel. Her arms were folded, holding closed the pretty little pink cardi over her ample, at least 36DD, bosom which would put even Brittany Taylor to shame. She had a graceful, swanlike neck and an exquisite face, blue eyes, button nose, high cheekbones, a creamy complexion and perfect white teeth. Her naturally honey blonde hair was cut exactly like Farrah Fawcett's in the first series of Charlie's Angels... and she looked like an angel fallen to earth.

She hadn't gone ten feet on school grounds before the first guy hit on her. 'Hey gorgeous! What's your name?'

'Ehm... eh... Charlene.'

'A beautiful name for a beautiful girl... wanna go out with me? I have a Corvette?'

'NO... I mean... no, thanks... gotta go... first day...'

Daria and Jane sauntered into school behind the girl, amused as she rebuffed guy after guy... and three girls, before they lost sight of her in the throng.

Charlene was in most of their classes and surprisingly seemed to have an excellent brain in her pretty blonde head, answering all questions correctly. Even DeMartino was nice to her!

During break they saw the new girl being approached by Brittany Taylor with an invitation to join the cheerleaders, Sandi Griffin invited her to join the Fashion Club, Jodie Landon invited her to join everything else and half the boys in the school invited her to join them... anywhere she liked.

Jane snarked that the geeks and nerds must have been growing pairs in a secret lab in the basement because when the jocks struck out some of them had moved close and shyly mumbled invitations to study sessions. Charlene had refused them all and seemed to get more upset and nervous every time someone new approached her.

The most surreal moment came in science class. Janet Barch at first tried to belittle the blonde bombshell but couldn't fault any of her answers and ended up parading her in front of the class as an example of the superiority of the female gender. At the end of the lesson Ms. Barch asked the girl to stay back to discuss 'Special Tuition' at her house.

In the corridor Daria and Jane were almost bowled over by a whimpering blonde who ran past them and dived into the nearest bathroom. a few seconds later she ran out again and sprinted to the girl's bathroom on the opposite side, weeping copiously. Jane looked at Daria and shrugged. Daria sighed and said 'Damned conscience.' Then the two booted girls followed after the fugitive.

There was no one visible in the bathroom but they heard sobbing coming from the last cubicle. Jane rapped on the door. 'Hey! New kid... what's your name? Charlene? I'm Jane and this is Daria, what's the problem? Can we help?'

'I (hic) know... (sob) who you are... (sob).'

'Okay... so tell us... what's wrong... did someone hurt you? Do you need the school nurse?'

Jodie and Brittany had followed them in and were looking concerned.

From the cubicle they heard 'You... (sob)... you wouldn't believe me... no one believes me...'

Daria said 'Try us, you never know til you try. You're not achieving anything in there.'

'I... I... know it's gonna sound stupid...'

'Most things around here do, say it anyway.'

Brittany said 'Yeah, tell us, these girls are really smart, they can help anybody!'

'Oh... all right... (sniff) I... sell stuff on EBay... collectibles... it's quite profitable...'

'Go on.' Jodie urged.

'I go to auction houses... they sell boxes of stuff from estates... you know dead peoples stuff... it's mostly junk but sometimes... last May I found a baseball card in an old cigar box worth three thousand dollars!'

'OK, we get the picture.' Daria snapped. 'Then what happened... were they stolen goods... or what?'

'N...n... no, nothing like that.' There was the sound of a nose being blown, noisily.

'Then what?'

'Last Friday there was a box of really old stuff... antiques you know? Anyway there was this... it's such a cliche.. you'll laugh at me!'

'No.' Jodie insisted. 'We won't, we promise.' She looked meaningfully at Jane as she said this. Jane made an innocent "Who? Me?" face, then grinned.

'There was an old brass oil lamp, really old. I couldn't read the writing on it so I tried cleaning it.'

'Let me guess... a genie popped out and offered you three wishes.' Daria deadpanned sarcastically.

'No.' Came the voice. 'He only offered me one wish.'

'Oh come on.' 'Seriously!' 'Get real!'

But Daria's well honed Bullcrap Detector was registering zero on the Bush scale. Intrigued she said 'Why only one wish?'

'Cutbacks, he said.'

'So let me guess, you wished to be beautiful?'

'Not... exactly...'

'Then what?'

'Well I was feeling a little... let's say I was... I just said the first thing that was on my mind at the time.'

'What was that?'

'I ehm... this is embarrassing... I said I wished to get into the pants of a really hot blonde chick with big boobies...'

The four girls looked at each other for a moment in puzzlement. Then as one they turned to the door of the cubicle and said 'UPCHUCK!?'

* * *

_**Part 2 - Bathroom Break**_

'Please... I prefer Charles... but now I suppose I'm stuck with Charlene...'

'Is this a joke?' Jodie asked. 'Did Chuck put you up to this?... Is he paying you or...?'

Charlene started crying again. She sobbed 'I t-told y-you you w-wouldn't believe m-me...'

Daria intervened. 'I'm... reluctant to say this but I think he... she? Is telling the truth... I'm good at spotting liars... comes from years of living with Quinn... and Helen.'

Brittany chimed in 'I believe her too, but I want to be sure of one thing. Open up Mister, let me see your face.'

The lock clicked back and Charlene hesitantly opened the door, looking out shyly at the four girls.

Brittany said 'You came to my eighth birthday party, what present did you bring me?'

Without hesitation Charlene answered 'A Barbie doll.'

Jane said 'That's too easy, anyone could have guessed that!'

Brittany wasn't finished 'And what was missing from the doll?'

Charlene blushed (but she did so beautifully) and almost whispered 'The panties.'

Brittany turned to the others 'It's him all right... her I mean... I think... OH! My head hurts!'

Daria said 'Funnily enough, mine does too. So you're a girl now, why didn't you wish yourself back?'

'One wish, remember? Besides... this didn't happen until the next morning... I woke up with... these and no... I mean "it" was gone...'

'Show me.'

'What?!'

'Show me.' Daria repeated. 'Prove you're a girl... but be warned... if I see balls I'm gonna kick 'em!'

Charlene was slowly lifting her skirt when a voice called out 'HOLD IT! Wait for us.'  
Another lock clicked and a cubicle door swung open to reveal Andrea Hecuba and Stacy Rowe. Their clothing was somewhat disheveled and they were wreathed in a cloud of suspicious smelling smoke. They came over to the other group and Andrea said 'OK, carry on.'

The other girls all stood regarding the newcomers coolly. Stacy looked a little put out and said 'What?' rather sharper than she'd intended.

'Your blouse is buttoned up wrong.' Daria deadpanned before turning back to Charlene and saying 'Drop 'em.'

Jane said 'Well, that's definitely a vagina, I recognized it almost at once. Nice wax job, did ya do that yourself?'

Andrea said 'Yes, very nice... OW!' She added as Stacy punched her in the arm.

Charlene was shaking her head. 'No.' She said. 'It was like that when I found it. Will I need to do that often? Does it hurt?'

'We'll... discuss that another time.' Jodie said.' Look, what are we gonna do now? I mean... this is Upchuck but...'

Brittany pointed downward. 'See that! She's a girl and she's in trouble. What are we gonna do about it?'

They all shrugged and nodded.

'Damned feminine solidarity. We need to get outta here and talk.' Daria said firmly. 'Pizza?'

'Sure.' Jane answered. 'But you know you'll get no privacy at Pizza King, so we'll go someplace and order in. Your's?'

Daria shook her head and answered 'No can do, Fashion Nazi meeting.' Stacy looked shamefaced but Andrea gave her a side hug and told her it would be OK.

'Casa Lane it is then. Who's all coming?'

Jodie had a zillion things to do and Brittany had cheerleader practice but there was no way they were gonna miss watching this train wreck so they were in. Andrea wanted in too but said if Stacy couldn't go...

'**** Sandi.' She said emphatically. 'I'm quitting that ****ing club today. She might even forgive me... after all...' She pointed at Charlene's impressive chest. 'Miracles DO happen!'

Andrea grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and said proudly 'My widdle goil's all gwowed up!'

They all laughed and Charlene, for the first time since realizing these boobs were attached to her and she wasn't dreaming, managed a small smile.

* * *

_**Part 3 – Who Loves Ya Baby?**_

Daria clapped her hands and rubbed them together, she said 'OK, let's walk and Upch... Ch... Charley! Put that away, no matter how long you stand there we're not showing you ours!'

'Ooops, sorry, I forgot I was...'

Andrea drawled 'Hey, don't rush I... **OW! Stacy!**'

Even though it was whispered through clenched teeth the acoustics in the bathroom allowed them all to hear Stacy's reply. 'If you want me to go the full "Kojak" then just ask... OK?'

Rubbing her arm Andrea muttered an OK of her own.

'Why do I suddenly fancy a lollipop? Jane quipped. 'I love licking lollipops, cherry flavored.'

'Strawberries and cream flavor for me.' Jodie shot back.

'We'll get both then you can lick mine and...'

**'WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF! IF ANYONE, AND I MEAN ANYONE, MENTIONS CARPETS, RUGS OR MUNCHING THERE WILL BE VIOLENCE!'**

'OK Stacy, chill, geeze.' Jane tried to avoid Jodie's eye as they left the bathroom but it was the sight of Daria trying to hold in the laughter that finally cracked her up. 'Mwahaahaahaahaaa!'

Thus it came to be that the stragglers in Lawndale High witnessed the rare and unusual vision of seven attractive girls, led by the ubiquitously stoic Daria Morgendorffer, making slow progress down the hallway to the main door holding each other up and wiping tears away from their eyes and each and every one of them laughing like drains.

* * *

_**Part 4 – Reservoir **__**Pussy**__**Cats**_

Kirby Lawrence took a surreptitious hit of his premium **** then ground out the butt on the dumpster beside him. He picked up his boom box and went to the front of the school to wait for JJ to come by and pick him up. He laid down on his stomach and opened up his new book, hitting play on the boom box.

As "Enter Sandman" by Metallica echoed across the empty parking lot the double front doors of the school were thrust open wide and his fellow senior Daria Morgendorffer strode out purposefully. Close behind her was that new hottie Charlene something. She was flanked by Jane Lane and Brittany Taylor. Behind her was Jodie Landon and bringing up the rear was Andrea Hecuba and Stacy Rowe and they were holding hands!

By some weird after effect of the hit he'd just taken the world seemed to slow down, everything except the music. The girls all walked in step and in perfect time to every fourth beat. Daria produced clip-on shades from a pocket, fastened them to her glasses and snapped them down. As one all the other girls produced sunglasses from pockets or bags and put them on.

From where he lay on the ground they looked like, giants... goddesses... he could see up their skirts!

The surreal effect of the moment was broken when Charlene went over sideways on her high-heels and wailed 'THESE DAMNED THINGS ARE KILLING ME!'

Daria smirked and said 'Well... they say if you really want to know somebody you have to walk a mile in their shoes... if you think this is tough...? All together girls...'

'TAMPONS!'

'NOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

Kirby wondered where JJ had gotten that last batch... it was some damn good ****.


	5. Meanwhile in the Universe Next Door

_This is an angsty little one-off I needed to get out of my system._

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**Meanwhile in the Universe Next Door...**_

The gurney seemed heavier tonight. He must have pushed hundreds of stiffs down this long corridor to the morgue. All shapes and sizes, men and women. All ages, sometimes even kids but tonight it was heavy, maybe because he knew the guy, or had known the guy, years ago.  
He glanced toward the door ahead and saw the new intern, the med student, holding it open for him. Tiny little thing she was, coulda been pretty if she made an effort but she seemed to hide it all behind shapeless clothes and pig-ugly glasses. He was just as glad she wasn't interested in him. He had no interest in girls either but a lot of them came on to him just the same, being tall, well built and blond will do that for a guy.

She was friendly enough though, in a quiet sorta way so that was alright. They could talk down here when it got less busy. He talked about his husband and the boat they were restoring, she talked about wanting to be a pathologist, how they told her in school she should be a mortician but she aimed higher. The internship was really a test to see if she could cut it, working with the dead, so if she couldn't hack it she could go play with kittens instead or something. Nothing seemed to bother her at all, even the ones cut out of cars in bits or burned to charcoal. She was actually pretty cool. Some nights she read her stories to him, complaining how Kathy Reichs and Patricia Cornwell had cornered the market in pathological fiction so she wrote spy thrillers instead, they sounded pretty good to him but she said she never got anything published.

'What've we got Jess?' She asked, as he pushed the gurney over to the bank of body drawers.

'Single white male, 28 years old, found in Lawndale Park, probable drug overdose, long time user.'

She unzipped the body bag, stepping back to allow the odour to clear a bit before approaching again, clipboard in hand, Little Miss Efficiency.

'28? You sure, looks older.' She asked doubtfully, and as Jesse gazed at the face of his one-time friend he had to agree. 'Did he have id?' She added.

'No, but I know him... knew him... we went to school together... he was my friend.'

* * *

She blinked at him a few times, deciding what to say next and then just asked 'Name?'

'Say hello to Mister Trent Lane, spelled L, A, N, E, singer, guitarist, drug addict, corpse.'

Daria wrote down the name, noticing how Jesse seemed half upset, half angry, a long way from his usual laid back cool. He looked preoccupied, as if he was working something out in his head.

'Yeah, that's it... ten years... ten years almost exactly.' He was shaking his head as he spoke.

Daria put down the clipboard and said 'Wanna talk about it, there's coffee in the pot.'

'Ehhh, ok, let's put him on ice first, yeah?'

Ten minutes later they were sitting on opposite sides of Daria's desk in the Coroner's office sipping from mugs of coffee and seeing if any of the doughnuts were fresh enough to eat.

'We had this band we started in high school... Mystik Spiral... though we never agreed on the name.' He began. 'There were four of us, me, Nick, Max and Trent, we weren't great... actually we were pretty bad. Trent was a good front man though, could really work the crowd and he had that look, ya know, made the girls wanna do him right there on the stage. Had my unfair share too until I sorted out my head. Anyways we were gonna be bigger than U2 and Nirvana, sell more records than the Beatles. All this when we were playing the back room at McGrundy's on a Friday night.' He smiled ruefully as he recounted this, lost in a dream of his youth. 'The year we graduated high school there was this A&R scout came sniffing around and reckoned we had a chance if we came West and played a tour of small venues in Sunny California and he'd make sure the bigshots got a look at us. Total conman o' course, we paid him to set it up and we had a few gigs in what might as well've been crack houses for beer money and fifty cents. But that's what happened in LA, it's what happened right here in Lawndale that I'm talkin about here.'

He stopped for a few moments and sipped his coffee.

'See Trent had this sister, well he had three sisters but I'm talkin about his kid sister. She was... yeah I'm pretty sure she was thirteen, goin on fourteen, gangly, awkward little thing, all legs and nothin else, smiled like the sunrise though, had these blue eyes... I'm pretty sure she had a crush on me but... ya know, she was just a kid... anyhow.' He stopped again, a little smile on his face as he remembered her. 'She was all cut up about Trent and us going away, wanted to come with, offered to sell t-shirts at the gigs and keep the beer cool but there was no way, we were Criminales not babysitters. Worst damn decision we ever made.'

Daria was enthralled as the usually laconic Jesse told his tale, more words in one go than she'd gotten out of him in the two months she'd been there. She didn't like the way this was going though, even her morbid curiosity balked at the implications of referring to this kid in the past tense. She nodded at Jesse encouragingly and said 'Go ahead, what happened then.'

'Well Trent and Jane's Mom, that was the sister's name, Jane Lane, anyhow their Mom was a bit of a flake, total hippy airhead really. Anyway she was there working on some project in her kiln, she made pottery and sculptures and stuff, but I remember Trent saying to her over and over that if she was going away to one of her art colonies or somewhere to make sure she brought Janey with her, or called him, or called Dad or SOMEbody but not to leave her alone.'

'Let me guess, she took off and left the girl.'

'Yep, the very next week. Now Janey was a real independent kid who could take care of herself, trouble is she didn't have anyone to turn to in her family and it was summertime so school was out. She was a real nice kid, very artistic like her Mom but she didn't have many friends or anything, no one to check up on her. She needed some dough for food and art supplies so she asked around some o' Trent's buddies lookin for a job. She got taken on cleanin' up in the mornin's in a club called the Zon, coupla hours for a coupla bucks, know what I mean?' He stopped and took another swallow of coffee. Daria just nodded for him to continue.

'See that's where she got into trouble. There were these guys... from outta town, not local boys you understand... we only found this out later o' course, seen as we was in LaLa land... anyways they'd refused to leave one night, beat up the bouncer and threatened the owner to keep the bar open all night so they could party. So it's early in the morning and lil' Janey comes in to start sweepin up and these guys start in on her, askin for kisses and grabbin her ass, that sorta thing. Joe, the owner tries to get them to lay offa her and one of 'em busts his head with a bottle, that's all he remembers but Kay, the barmaid... she's a tough ol' girl... she tells Janey to run for it, which she does. Man that kid could run, she was real fast...'

Jesse stopped talking and was still for a couple of minutes, swallowing a few times and working his jaw like he was chewing on something, then he continued.  
'Nobody knows for sure but the cops reckoned one or more of them musta followed her on their motorcycles, she shoulda run to the cops, or to a shop... or anywhere... course she runs home where there's nobody...'

Daria was surprised to see a tear trickling out of the corner of Jesse's eye. She was going to offer him a tissue then decided it might embarrass him, so she kept quiet and waited.

'Kay thought they'd just had enough and taken off, she called an ambulance for Joe and called the cops, she thought Janey was off safe somewhere so didn't think to mention her in case they got in trouble employing a child in a nightclub. She shoulda told the cops. They coulda checked on her or somethin' but Kay didn't even know where she lived.  
We were partyin in LA like a bunch of assholes and didn't know nothin 'bout this til we came home the next month, broke and pissed off. First thing that happens is we get arrested and have to give DNA samples... can ya believe it they thought we did that to our lil' Janey. Us? Her own brother and his buddies?'

Daria didn't really want to know too much more but she had to ask 'Did what, precisely?'

'Well they killed her... eventually...' He sobbed then before he could say the rest but Daria knew what it was he wanted to tell her so she gently said 'It's ok Jesse, you don't need to say it out loud, I get the picture. Did they catch them?'

'Yeah, no... well they caught two o' them, forensics guys here recovered four DNA's from her... body... so two of them are in the State pen, the other two... nobody seems to know... I'd still do time for killin 'em if I had the chance...'

'What about her family, her Mom...?'

'They arrested her Mom when she came back, two weeks after us can ya believe it? Put her on trial and everythin but she got some non-custodial sentence due to what the dumb judge called "diminished responsibility" if you can credit it due to all the psycho drugs she did in the sixties probly. Trent's Dad never came home, hasn't been seen since, piece o' shit! Didn't have the decency to come and bury his lil' girl even. Trent did all that. It hit him real hard, real hard, know what I mean? He was never the same after. Quit the band, quit playin, quit livin. I think I can safely say it just took him ten years to die. There he is in there in a drawer, what's left of him anyway. My ol' friend Trent, God give him rest. If there's no one else I'm gonna bury him up there beside Janey... least I could do for an ol' friend...' At that point Jesse broke down and cried like a child. Daria stood without hesitation and, most unusually for her, caught him in a hug and held him until the tears ran dry.

When Jesse went out to the toilet to clean himself up Daria picked up the little bag of personal effects she'd taken from Trent's body to be cataloged, remembering something that had been in his breast pocket, next to his heart. She took the worn, faded polaroid from the bag and read the note on the back first "Janey's 13th Birthday party" and a date. _'My God she was practically the same age as me!'_ Daria thought to herself. _'I might have gone to school with her...'_ She turned the picture over and looked at the two people smiling out at her. On the left was a younger, handsomer, oh so cool version of the wreck of a man in the morgue with a sardonic little half-smile on his face, Daria half-smiled back at the image, then looked at the girl. Black haired, blue eyed, pretty and smiling... the full on shit-eating grin of someone who's enjoying life and loving the world and Daria felt a tiny tear of her own as she contemplated what might have been...


	6. Namesake

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**Namesake**_

Quinn pulled up the zipper at the back of Daria's dress. Then she caught the long auburn hair and settled it back over her shoulders. 'There!' She exclaimed. 'It's perfect! Now we need to brush your hair.'

She picked up a brush and began long strokes through Daria's hair until she noticed the glare. Daria held out her hand and said 'I can do it myself, thank you.' Quinn handed her the brush and stepped back a little. Daria looked in Quinn's eyes in the mirror and said 'Why do we have to dress up like this anyway? What does Grandma get out of buying dresses for us? We're not her Barbie dolls.'

Quinn sighed. 'You know she always says appearance is important, especially for women in the workplace... Besides... That shade of green is perfect for you, it brings out the autumnal shades in your hair, I dare you to tell me I'm wrong.'

Daria looked as if she was going to retort but couldn't really argue, it was a beautiful dress. Instead she tried a different tack. 'But I'm not in the workplace, I'm still in school and I don't see why I should have to...'

'Why are you fighting with me? You know you're going to wear it anyhow, so just put on a smile and let's go greet Grandma. Daria looked glum but kept on brushing.

As Quinn waited she caught sight of her reflectIon in the glass covering a framed photograph of her sister which hung on the wall. At least her spectacle frames were by Chanel not those horrible huge round things but she couldn't dismiss the similarity between them, especially now. She felt the sting of a tear in her eye, not the first time when she thought about the strained relationship she'd had with her sister. She looked at the photo again and mouthed 'I'm sorry.'

Daria said 'OK, I'm ready, let's get this over with.'

Then she climbed down off the stool, took her Mommy's hand and went to show the new dress to Grandma.


	7. Scary Monsters, Super Creeps

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_The title of this piece is inspired by the song by David Bowie, there is no further connection._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**Scary Monsters, Super Creeps**_

_(I originally thought of this for Hallow'een but didn't have time to write it)_

Highland, Texas.

'But Daaddddyyyyyy, why can't I go trick or treat with my frienndddsss? It's not fair. Whyyyy?'

Jake sighed. 'Quinn sweetheart, you know why. I told you I'd go with you but you can't go out without me or your Mom. You're eleven now princess, you're old enough to understand... do you want Mom to explain it to you again?'

That shut off her whining. 'Nooo Daddy, I'm sorry... it's just...'

'I know honey, it's not fair but... say, why don't you ask some of your friends to come here to the house? You could have a little party on the night, what do you think?'

'Really? A party? Oh thank you thank you thank you I love you Daddy...' She was interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen. Jake hurried to see what had happened. Quinn followed more slowly, scared now.

Jake saw his wife standing stock still. The shattered casserole dish lying ignored at her feet. He said 'Helen? What...?'

'Shhh!' She hissed, and pointed a trembling finger at the TV on a bracket on the wall. Jake turned to see what was on. CNN, Helen watched little else except rolling news day and night. A woman reporter was on the screen standing in front of a typical rural clapboard house with a line of trees behind it. The strap at the bottom of the screen identified her as Lydia Chang, reporting from Parkersburg, West Virginia.

'... yes Tom, as you know the FBI in concert with several local law enforcement agencies over three states raided twenty three homes of individuals identified from the files on Gadd's computer. They entered the homes at dawn this morning in what has been dubbed "Operation Speedo". We've been informed that they arrested nineteen individuals including one woman and there are warrants for another seven persons, five men and two women who are currently on the run. A large quantity of illicit material has been recovered and sources have confirmed that many other names have been added to the list of suspects.  
Viewer discretion is advised for what I am about to say next, people with young children may wish to turn off their set now.  
It is at this house behind me that the most shocking discovery was made. The owner of this house, Mark Dutroux, is in custody and is co-operating with Federal Agents. Acting on information he provided investigators have so far recovered the skeletonized remains of four pre-teens and it's believed there may be many more however it was in the basement of this house that agents were led to a series of hidden rooms cut into the bedrock. These included what's being described as a combination torture chamber and TV studio as well as two prison cells. They recovered two of the bodies from one of the cells but in the other were two girls, still alive but in critical condition suffering from malnutrition, dehydration and the effects of prolonged neglect and abuse.  
We have no positive identifications as yet but local sources have told us that as both girls were wearing glasses they may be the two eleven year-olds who went missing last year from the now defunct Camp Grizzly Summer camp run by Mr. Henry Potts. We hope to have more information later, now back to Tom in the studio...'

Helen turned to Jake, his face as ashen as hers. Both were shaking and unable to speak. From the doorway in a tiny squeaking voice Quinn said 'M m mommmyy...?'

The phone started to ring...


	8. Tis the Season

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**'Tis the Season...**_

Daria looked up from her keyboard, sensing a presence in the room. The door was still firmly closed and there were bars on the windows so...  
She swiveled around in her chair and did a double take. An extremely tall man? Woman? Androgynous person with white feathered wings stretching out to touch both walls stood by her bed. S/He also appeared to be glowing slightly.

'Who the f...?'

But the angel interrupted her speaking thusly: 'Hail, thou that art highly favored, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.'

Daria was completely agog and, for once, at a loss for words.

And the angel said unto her. 'Fear not, Daria: for thou hast found favor with God.

And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jeshua.

He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:

And he shall reign over the Heaven and Earth for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.'

Then said Daria unto the angel. 'You're kidding right? How could that be, seeing as how I... don't even have a boyfriend?

And the angel answered and said unto her. 'The Holy Spirit shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

And, behold, thy Aunt Amy, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren.

For with God nothing shall be impossible.'

And Daria said. 'No freaking way! I'm still in High School, do you know how hard it would be to study with a baby! Go ask Quinn or somebody else who'd be in to that sort of thing. I'm not interested, sorry.'

And the angel was troubled, this wasn't in the script, he sayeth. 'You're supposed to say "I am the handmaid of the Lord" and do what you're told, you're supposed to be grateful!'

'For what? For carrying around a bowling ball inside me for nine months and then have a squalling infant for God knows how long and then... me with a teenage son, yeah that'll work, I pass.'

'But it has to be you.' Gabriel wailed. 'The second coming of the Lord has to be in North America, Boss's orders.'

Curious now, Daria asked. 'OK, I get North America, but why does it have to be me? Surely someone in Kansas or Oklahoma...'

'Are you mad?!'

'Yeah, OK, I can see why that would be a problem but I still don't know why me?'

'Well... you're qualified...'

'What does that mean?'

'Well... you're of age...'

'So?'

'And you're a... you're a...'

'Don't tell me I'm the only one you could find?'

Gabriel nodded.

'Look harder!'

'It's not like that... we know...'

'Who's been naughty or nice? You have a list?'

Another nod.

'Check it twice.'

'Did that.'

'Do I have a choice?'

'Not really, HE tends to get his own way... there are rewards...'

'Such as?'

'Well your son will be the savior of mankind... again.'

'Wait, does that mean he has to...'

'No, not this time, no bloodshed... for anyone... just peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, for real and forever.'

'Damn conscience. You're sure there's nobody else...?'

'None suitable.'

'Well I don't even know what a handmaid is but I suppose I...'

'Thank you!, Thank you! You've made my job so much easier!'

'So how does this work? How does this Holy Spirit guy...?'

'Already done.'

'Damn, and I never even got taken out to dinner!' She glanced at the calendar. 'Well, I guess I know what I'm getting for Christmas... though how I'm going to explain this to my Mom...'

'All will be well, the Lord will speak to your family in their dreams and they will love and support you.'

'That'll be a first!'

'And your Aunt Amy is going to come and visit, something to look forward to.'

'Oh... well... thanks I guess.' Daria looked down and patted her abdomen, then she smiled slightly and looked back at the angel. Gabriel smiled back and put his/her hand on Daria's head in benediction.

And the angel departed from her and the World knew hope. 'Yeah, right' the World said. 'Yeah, really, stop being so cynical.'


	9. The Next Generation

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

**_The Next Generation_**

'Look I know it's not easy starting High School in a new town but give it a chance, OK? You might get lucky and meet someone as cool as your "Aunt" Jane.' Daria glanced in the rear view mirror and saw her teenage daughter slumped down in the rear seat looking morose. The infant boy in the child seat beside her making happy gurgling noises said 'Dah' and dropped his teddy bear. He looked as if he was about to cry but the girl roused herself and picked it up for him then turned to her Mom and said 'Why did we have to come HERE though? I thought you swore never to set foot in this town again.'

The pre-teen girl on the other side of the child seat spoke up then. 'Yeah Mom, I heard you describe Lawndale as the absolute arsehole of nowhereville and you wouldn't be caught dead in it!'

'LANGUAGE! Do not repeat things I say when I'm in bad temper... unless you want to hear some more choice words?'

'No Mom, sorry.' She didn't look sorry and stuck her tongue out at the back of her Mother's head. The older girl snickered.

Another boy, the eldest, turned from the front passenger seat and looked cooly at his sisters. 'Stop giving Mom a hard time, you two. It's not her fault that Grandpa died and Dad had to come back here to take over the company, it was in Grandpa's will, now shut it, both of you, we'll manage here... I just hope they have a good football team nowadays, the Lawndale Lions used to be good, I hope I can get a place on the team.'

Daria sighed. _'At least he keeps his grades up.'_ She thought to herself, then aloud she said 'Here we are' as they turned into the drop off zone in front of Lawndale High. 'Have a good day, stay out of trouble and try to make friends OK? And look out for your sister.'

'I will, Mom.' The older boy said and trudged over to where some boys were tossing a ball back and forth.

'Sweetie...' The girl looked back at her Mom, gave her a shrug and a half smile, turned and walked into the school. Daria sighed again and drove off bring her other daughter to the Elementary School.

* * *

'Hey, you're cool, what's your name?' A pretty blonde girl said to another fashionably dressed teen as the auburn haired girl walked past them, ignored. The rest of the morning was just as depressing, going through the orientation lecture with her brother and the other new students, convincing the school psychologist she wasn't a suicide bomber, speaking to no one other than officials or teachers. She finally got clear of the red tape and got a hall pass to go to her first class of the day just prior to lunch.

She knocked on the History classroom door and went in. Though older, Mr. DeMartino was just as her Mom had described him, bulging eye and all. She gave him her pass and he turned to the students and said 'Class, we have a new STUdent joining us today. Raise your hand, Melody Ruttheimer...'


	10. Fatal Fashion Flaw

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**Fatal Fashion Flaw**_

The Fashion Club meeting was at the Griffin house this week. The four girls sat on the floor in a circle going through the latest magazines. To emphasize her point Sandi turned to Stacy and said 'Stacee, perhaps our esteemed vice-peresident doesn't beleeeve me when I say I have a new silk Versace top... peleeese fetch it from my wardobe so Keh-winn can see for herself.'  
Sighing, Stacy stood and did as she was told. As she fumbled through the overstuffed wardrobe in search of the item in question her elbow touched a recessed button on the wall. A panel at the back of the wardrobe slid aside. There in all its glory was what Stacy's professional eye knew to be an Otaku grade replica of Lt. Uhura's uniform from the original Star Trek TV series. It even had the chevette shaped insignia with "Griffin" embroidered on it. Behind it was row after row of video tapes, beginning with the original series and ending with last year's Voyager season.  
Stacy glanced over her shoulder and saw Sandi staring at her with a look that Stacy herself often wore, the "Deer caught in the headlights" look. The other two were reading and hadn't noticed anything. Stacy's lips slowly curled into an evil feral grin. She said 'I'm a little thirsty Sandi, could you get me a soda?'


	11. Should Not Be

All recognizable characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom. This is fanfiction, written for fun and no money is being made. This story only Peetz5050 2013

* * *

_**Should Not Be**_

Jane Lane, teenaged artist extraordinaire, shifted her bookbag to her other shoulder as she turned the corner. _'Another boring day on my own in good 'ol Laaaawnadaaale Hiiiigh!'_ She thought to herself as she trudged along. Here she was three weeks into her sophomore year and she still hadn't had a conversation with anybody other than teachers and Jodie Landon. Her one attempt to connect with someone in Self Esteem class had crashed and burned when the guy, Darrin or something, had been too shy to give her a coherent answer, was she that intimidating? He had mumbled something as he blushed like a tomato and fled as soon as the class was over. Strike one for Janey.

Speak of the devil, there was a flash of green up ahead. That was him walking along behind that new freshman girl all the guys were drooling over. Was he hitting on her? So he was too shy to talk to her but had found the cojones from somewhere to approach Miss Dream Teen 1997. Well gee whiz.

Now what? Aren't those guys on the football team? What...?

A couple of hundred yards ahead of her she saw three boys come up to Quinn Morgendorffer and surround her. They seemed to be talking to her but she was too far away to hear anything. Darian had stopped nearby. She saw one of the trio, the black haired one, walk over to him and shove him back. Darian was not very tall and he was as thin as a rake but he stood his ground, replying angrily to the other boy.

Jane had stopped walking, not knowing if she should run up to them or run away or go get help from somewhere as all three boys advanced on the smaller boy in a menacing fashion. Joey pushed him again causing him to stumble. As Darian recovered his balance and straightened up Jeffy punched him in the face, sending his glasses flying. As he reeled back stunned Jamie kicked him in the knee causing him to fall over. Quinn was just standing there with her hands to her face saying nothing but looking as if she was going to scream.

Darian turned over and got on to his hands and knees and was trying to lever himself up when one of the boys kicked him in the stomach, then all three waded in, kicking him several times as he fell and rolled over. He was on his face, retching, when Jane saw Jeffy draw his foot back and deliberately aim a kick at Darian's face. At the last second Darian must have seen it coming and managed to turn his head just enough that it missed his face and caught him behind the ear instead. Darian went still and didn't move again.

Laughing, the three boys took Quinn's arms and one took her bookbag and led her away. She seemed to be in shock and she hadn't made a sound. Jane rediscovered the use of her legs, it had only been, what? a minute at most. She sprinted up to where the boy was lying on the ground. Blood was gushing from his nose and he had a cut by his eye. He was twitching slightly.

Jane had no idea what to do so she knelt down beside him and started calling his name.

'Darrin! Darrin! Talk to me, are you OK? Darrin!'

Eventually he groaned and looked as if he was trying to move. His eyes flickered open but they were unfocused and Jane got a feeling of nausea at the way they looked in different directions. She fetched his glasses from the grass where they'd fallen. They weren't broken fortunately, just bent a bit. She carefully straightened them out and went to help him into a sitting position. He was obviously trying to come around as he kept shaking his head as if to clear it.

'Darrin, Darrin, look, here's your glasses, here, hold still, I'll put them on for you, hold still... there... your eyes still don't look right, c'mon, see if you can stand up, it's not far to school and the nurse can take a look at you, c'mon, hup, give me your arm.'

_'Typical that the first guy to put his arm around my shoulders isn't even aware of the fact!' _Jane thought to herself, ruefully as she half carried the boy toward the school building. Fortunately he didn't weigh much.

'Jane? What happened? What's...?'

'Mack! Thank God, could you give me a hand, I need to get him to the nurse's office, he got beaten up.'

'Sure.' Mack grabbed the boy's other arm and took most of the weight off of Jane. 'Who did it? Do you know?'

'Three of those freshman ball players, I don't know their names.'

'Damn! We don't need that. Li's gonna hit the roof!'

'Yeah... hey you! Could you hold the door open, thanks.'

As they came into the foyer they were confronted by the Principal, Angela Li.

'Ah, there's the troublemaker, well I know how to deal with his sort. Can he not walk on his own?'

'Ehh no Ms. Li, he's...'

'Well bring him along to my office, he needs to learn that we won't tolerate that sort of behavior here at Laaawndaale Hiiigh.'

'But Ms. Li!' Jane protested. 'He needs to see the nurse, I think he's been hurt bad, he might need to go to hospital!'

'Nonsense, I'm sure he'll be fine. He shouldn't be going around harassing girls and picking fights with our football players if he's not prepared to accept the consequences. Mr. Mackenzie, I'm surprised at you helping a miscreant like that after he insulted the football team.'

'Ms. Li, I don't know what this boy did or didn't do but I'm pretty sure he has a concussion, I've seen it before, look at his eyes.' Mack was genuinely concerned.

'Well after I do the paperwork to have him suspended and sent home he can make his own arrangements. Now bring him this way.'

'Ms Li.' Jane was nervous but insistent. 'He really needs medical help, he was kicked in the head!'

'That's not what I've been told. he attacked a girl and then attacked the football players who came to her rescue, he deserved whatever he got. Put him in that chair and go to your home rooms, quickly now, on your way.'

Jane and Mack lowered the boy into a chair, looked at each other, shrugged and left.

Some time later during history class with Mr. DeMartino everyone's attention was drawn to the window when an ambulance drove up with sirens blaring. It stopped in the turning circle in front of the school and two EMT's jumped out, took a gurney from the back of the ambulance and hurried into the school.

It was at the end of the lesson, thirty minutes later, as they were all standing up to leave the room that Mack caught Jane's arm and pointed out the window again. The two EMT's were walking out with the gurney between them. There was a figure on it but completely covered so they couldn't see anything. The way they loaded it into the ambulance and drove away at normal speed without sirens said all that needed to be said. All the blood had drained out of Mack's face and Jane suddenly broke down in tears as she realized what that meant.

The speaker over the classroom door crackled into life. 'Would Ms. Jane Lane and Mr. Michael Mackenzie please report to the Principal's office immediately.'

It seemed like hours later. 'Miss Lane, why do you persist in saying that when I have the sworn testimony of three members of the football team that directly contradicts your account? Don't you realize what you are saying amounts to accusing three valued members of the team of criminal assault? Do you realize the implications of that? The police will be here shortly and they will want to question you also, be very careful what you say to them, don't forget your home situation is not what it should be, you don't want them investigating you, do you?'

'Ms Li, I'm telling the truth! Why don't you ask that red haired girl? She was there, she can back me up, what did she say happened?'

'I'm afraid Miss Morgendorffer is somewhat... distraught at the death of her brother and she is unable to make any statement at this time.'

'Her brother?! He was her brother? And she just stood there and watched those boys beat him to death!'

'Now calm down Miss Lane, you need to consider carefully what you say to the police, the reputation of the school is at stake.'

Jane kept her head down as she dealt with her internal turmoil. Finally something clicked in her head. 'Did you get the nurse for him?'

'What?'

'That boy, Darrin, did you get the nurse after we left him? I told you he was kicked in the head.'

'I... I have no recollection of you saying any such thing and I am not medically trained, I had no idea of the extent of his injuries... how was I to know...'

'Mack TOLD you he had a concussion, you knew he was hurt and you did nothing. How long did you leave him before you even called an ambulance? Huh? Answer me that? Now I'm not saying anything else to anyone else except a policeman.'

The next morning Jane was sitting on a bench in a waiting area in Lawndale's main police station. She was holding tightly to her brother, Trent's hand and had her head on his shoulder. Mack had walked past with his father a few minutes before looking upset but determined. Jane was exhausted, she hadn't been able to sleep and she'd been in the interview room being "grilled" by a team of detectives since 8 a.m. and on a toilet break she'd had to endure being shouted at incoherently by a woman she only later discovered was Jeffy's mom. She knew she'd done the right thing but her biggest worry was that she'd exposed her tenuous at best domestic situation to officialdom. She was scared.

She felt Trent tense up and roused herself as a woman in a red power suit came up to them. She looked to be in her forties but also looked like she'd been through hell. Her face was haggard and her hair was unkempt. Jane squeezed herself tighter into the crook of Trent's arm.

'Ms. Lane? Jane Lane?' Jane didn't trust herself to speak so she nodded.

'Miss... can I call you Jane?' Nod. 'Jane I... I'm sorry... I'm Helen Morgendorffer, Darian's mother.'

'Oh hi Mrs... I'm so sorry I...'

'No... please, you've nothing to be sorry about, you did everything you could... unlike some people...' Helen clenched up and rage battled with her outer calm for a moment. 'I wanted to thank you Jane, first for helping Darian, for being there when he needed someone but especially for your testimony. You and Michael Mackenzie are the only ones telling the truth, I know, I finally got the truth from Quinn, damn her, damn her DAMN HER! She could have stopped them she could have... She denied her only brother and now he's deahhhddd!' The older woman broke down in tears then and Jane unexpectedly found herself hugging and comforting this stranger.

It took a while but Helen eventually calmed back down.

'Jane I'm so sorry...'

'It's all right... I mean no it's not but no I know why you're upset you have a right to be I honestly don't know how... Oh my God!'

Helen looked at Jane's stunned face and then turned to see what had startled her. Two suited detectives with badges slung from their breast pockets had just come in with Angela Li between them in HANDCUFFS!

Helen stood up straight and a demonic look passed over her face. She turned back to Jane and Trent. 'Jane, one of my friends here told me a little about your home situation and that you might have some problems with CPS... I heard that... woman... threatened you about that but you came forward with the truth anyway.' Jane looked down at her boots trying to hide her shame and embarrassment. Helen wasn't finished. 'I want you to know, if you have any problems... with money or legal or anything at all come to me, here's my card. My husband and I will move heaven and earth for you if you need it. OK?'

'Thanks Mrs. Morgendorffer but I...'

Trent interrupted. 'Thank you Mrs. Morgendorffer, we appreciate that and I'm really sorry for your loss.'

'Thank you young man, thank you Jane, goodbye.' Helen went in the direction the two detectives had gone.

'Trent?'

'Yes Jane.'

'What happens now?'

'I guess we go home.'


	12. Something in Common

_This is another of my responses to the Iron Chef: Random Pairing Challenge posted by JoeMerl on PPMB. This time I drew Skip Stevens and Coach Morris. I'm a bit dubious about this one as I couldn't really relate to the two I drew so I went for something morbid and off the wall. Have brain bleach to hand just in case!_

_This is fan fiction, done for fun and not for profit. All recognizable characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom. This original story 2013 Peetz5050_

_**Something in Common**_

Deirdre Morris slouched down the corridor. The hood on her old fleece pulled over her head and her hands in her pockets. Nobody gave her a second glance, nobody recognized her or greeted her, good. She looked just like all of the other teenagers thronging the halls on their way to class. Satisfied that her disguise was effective she made her way to the gym and slipped into her office where she quickly changed into her usual tracksuit.

The disguise was the easy part, getting the gun into the school had been much tougher, she'd had to break a lot of football helmets before that damned miser Li had ordered a delivery of new equipment. She'd hung out in the car park and offered to help carry in the boxes allowing her to walk right past the security guards with a long brown parcel marked "Hockey Sticks". All she'd had to do after that was break the lock leading to the roof of the library and steal a swipe card from lost & found. Everything was ready, today was the day.

Some little voice at the back of her head told her that it was really her own fault, that she'd brought this disgrace on herself, but that was one voice she ignored. This was Li's fault... and Gibson and that damned PTA but the rot had set in... the real start of her troubles... it had all started to come undone when Jane Lane quit the track team. The other school's teams kept asking where her star runner had gotten to and somebody, somewhere, had spoken to the state's governing body and some nosey sonofabitch with nothing else to do had started an investigation. Typically Li and Gibson had thrown her under the bus and her career was over. Sure they were doing her a favor and letting her keep her job until the end of the school year but after that she'd be lucky to be sweeping floors in Walmart.

Damn Jane Lane and damn her lazy friend who wouldn't run to get out of a burning building! Damn them all! She'd have to pick off a few others just to make it look like a random thing but if she could just get those two... oh and please let Li and Gibson walk out that door too... please!

She went through her morning sessions as usual, nobody would ever notice anything odd about her today, it was just another day. She had no classes this afternoon and the track team had all been given a week off training after the big win on Saturday so nobody should be looking for her. She ate lunch in the staff room and then just "happened" to mention to Coach Gibson that as she was free for the afternoon she was going to go shopping.

Dressed in her hoodie no one watching the security monitors or reviewing the tapes would spot her as she made her way from the parking lot to the library building. Wearing thin, flesh colored surgical gloves she swiped the stolen pass card and entered the library. There was no one else there, as usual. Ghost like on rubber soled sneakers she went to the accountancy section and recovered the rifle from behind the row of books on tax law that had never been opened. Then up to the roof.

She kept low so that her head wouldn't appear over the edge wall in case anyone happened to be looking out of a window. She crawled over to a break in that wall where a gutter passed through. She took the scope out and looked through it, yes, as she'd thought, she had a perfect line of sight to the exit door. She took an energy bar out of the kangaroo pocket on her hoodie and settled down to wait. Shortly afterward she was startled to hear the door to the roof creak open and the sound... yes... that was definitely someone crawling across the roof. Had she been discovered? No, surely not! One of Li's security goons would just trample around... he wouldn't creep... so who...?

After a moment a figure came around the ventilator shaft she'd been hiding behind and crawled over to the next aperture in the wall. The figure was holding... no freakin' way! He had a rifle! Not as good as hers, she noticed, her Dad had really known his guns and could take down a deer a quarter of a mile away. She wasn't nearly that good but she didn't need to be. But who was this amateur butting in on HER party? She carefully and quietly cocked her own rifle and pointed it at the interloper who, she noticed, was wearing a gray fleece hoodie almost identical to her own.

'Hey YOU!'

'Aaaagh NO! Who...?'

'Nuh, uh, I'm the one pointing the gun at you so I get to ask the questions. Who are you and what are you doing here?'

'I'm Skip S... look just Skip all right? Please just let me get her then you can turn me in OK? Just let me get one shot, please?'

'Get who exactly?'

'That loser chick with the glasses... Dari something, THAT BITCH RUINED MY LIFE!'

'Daria?'

'Yeah... her... do you know her?'

'She's a student here. What did she do to you? Break your little heart did she? Wouldn't put out so you're going to pay her back you pathetic little man.'

'No, no, it's not like that... she just took something that was precious to me... the most important thing in my life and made it... made me feel like it was... Camp Grizzly was my life! I loved that place now Mr. Potts doesn't want me to come back...' He was almost in tears now. Deirdre didn't know what he was raving about but she had to admire the single mindedness of it, he certainly didn't lack commitment and if there was one thing Deirdre Morris prized above all else it was commitment.

With a cruel little smile she said. 'Fine, you can have her, just don't distract me while I get her little friend.'

Skip was staring at her open mouthed. Slowly his face betrayed understanding and then open admiration. 'Wow!' He said. 'Now that's the way to deal with people who won't do what you tell them. Way to go Miss...?'

'Call me De... just Dee will be fine, have you got your escape route planned?'

'No I... I never really thought about anything past the moment when I... when I shut that smart mouth for good. I already got the other one, that Amelia chick, over in Parkersburg, she was easy, she lived right by the woods. This one though, there's no cover around here and she never goes anywhere natural like a park or anything, so I had to come here. What about you?'

'Never mind me, I have my own reasons.' But Deirdre was thinking that this must be her lucky day, this moron was the perfect patsy... and it didn't hurt that he was cute too. If she played this right she could end up being the hero... they couldn't fire her then... not if she was the brave teacher that threw a mad shooter off the library roof... Now to get him on her side... the old ways were always best.

'Soo Skip... we have forty-five minutes until school lets out for the day... what say we check out each other's equipment...'

Skip was swallowing hard and looking like a deer in the headlights... just the way she liked them...

A little later...

'Ohhhh, like grossss... that is totally like, uncool and stuff.'

'GRIFFIN?' Deirdre struggled to get her pants back on as the girl looked at the two of them with a sneering expression. Then Deirdre noticed that the girl, unusually for her, was wearing a gray hoodie and carrying a long package...

'So, Sandi... who are you here for?'

'Quinn Morgendorffer... that little redhaired bitch has stolen her like, last boyfriend from ME!'

'Well... this is awkward... there are only two slots on this side of the building, you'll just have to wait your turn.'

'Like, why and stuff? Us fashionable and popular people never wait in line for anything, it's like the rules and stuff. Your boyfriend can go after me.'

'Hey, no way, I was here before you!'

'If you were like, a gentleman you'd allow a lady to go first.'

'Listen, I may not know much but you ain't no lady, Lady!'

'Will you morons PLEASE keep it quiet over THERE!'

Deirdre realized that what she had at first taken to be an old tarpaulin was in fact Anthony Demartino in gray camouflage carrying... yes, a sniper rifle.

'Hi Anthony, let me guess, Kevin Thompson, right?'

'How did YOU know that?'

'Just call me Sherlock. Is there room under that camo for one more?'

'Perhaps.'

'There you go Sandi.'

'Eeeuuuw! That is like totally unfashionable... camouflage went out in like, the eighties!'

'Just go!'

'Very well.'

'What is the meaning of all this?'

'MS. LI!' Several voices chorused.

'Ms. LI, May I ASK what you are doing up here DRESSED in a hoodie and carrying a rifle?'

'Well I...'

'Who are you after?'

'Actually nobody in particular it's just I was given such a great offer on insurance in the event of a school shooting not to mention the PTA would give me carte blanche to...'

She was interrupted by an ominous groan and something, somewhere went "Snick!"

'What was that? I thought you got this roof repaired. Who did you get to do it, the Three Stooges?' Deirdre asked.

'Don't be ridiculous! I put it out to tender as per County guidelines.'

There was another groan.

'So WHO won the tender? Ruttheimer?'

'No... they were far too expensive... Mr. Thompson was...' Something snapped underneath them. Deirdre looked in Skip's eyes and smiled sadly and then...

'Hey Daria, wait up.'

'What is it Jane? I don't want to spend another minute in this place, I feel like I'll die if I don't get out into the fresh air.'

'Yeah well, I don't know if you're worried or not but I just passed Quinn and she seemed pretty upset, do you wanna...?'

'Tuh, damned conscience, I'd better go see what's up with her or my Mom will be all over my ass.'

'Quinn, why are you crying? Did some boy...?'

'No Daria, Gawd! I never get upset about boys, you should know that by now. It's Sandi, she kicked me out of the Fashion Club just because I went on a date with Brent who's supposed to be going out with Zoe but he's been seeing Sand...'

'ENOUGH! I don't wish to know that. Look are you OK? Do you want to come with us? I'll even spring for a slice of cheeseless... if you promise to shut up about Sandi.'

Quinn accepted the kind offer underneath the sarcasm, glad of any company just at the moment. As they left the school to head for the pizzeria there was a loud crash and a cloud of smoke and debris rose up from the roof of the library building.

Jane raised an eyebrow. 'Damn! I thought Der Kommandant had that fixed?'

'She did, but I bet it was a monument to shoddy workmanship.'

'I hope nobody was hurt.'

'Nah, couldn't happen, I'm here and Kevvie and his inflatable dolly are over there so it's guaranteed there was nobody in there. Let's go. Nothing really exciting ever happens in this place!'

And so they went.


	13. Poseurs

_This is my third and final response to the Iron Chef: Random Pairing Challenge posted by JoeMerl on PPMB. This time I drew Joey and Alison. This is fan fiction, done for fun and not for profit. All recognizable characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom. This original story 2013 Peetz5050_

_**Poseurs **__(This fic contains mild sexual references)_

Joey Schwartz was a very unhappy nineteen year old. Until a few weeks ago he hadn't had a care in the world. He was starter on the high school football team, had his own late model car, a prospect of a football scholarship and, for two short but heavenly weeks, a girlfriend called Quinn Morgendorffer. She had been the first thing to go, citing her need to not be "tied down", whatever that meant. Then the occasional shortness of breath had gotten more frequent and he'd been diagnosed with asthma, mild and easily treatable but there went his hopes of a football career.

Then, to top it all off with a poisoned cherry on top, his Dad's business had gone into Chapter 11 so that meant if he wanted to keep his car he had to make the repayments himself oh and by the way son, I had your college fund invested in the business to try and keep it afloat, sorry about that.

But Joey really wanted to go to college, there was no way he was staying around this two bit town with no one to keep him company other than the oldest senior in high school, Kevin Thompson. To his credit he sold the car and paid off the loan, got himself a junker that the Quinn's of this world wouldn't be seen dead in to get around and had set about earning his first year's tuition on his own. His grandma lived close enough to Great Prairie State U and she'd offered him room and board so it was doable... just about.

So Joey worked for a living. That was a new and daunting experience for him but he stuck with it. He had no qualifications, experience or skills so by day he sold nuts in a stupid hat for It's A Nutty Nutty Nutty Nutty World (SMILE) and by night he bussed tabes and swept up in bars and it STILL wasn't enough!

He forensically examined the small ads in all of the local papers every night, there had to be something... wait a second...

**Lawndale Community College**  
**Models (Male & Female) **  
**wanted for evening art class.**  
**3hrs per night, two nights per week.**  
**$20 per hour**

But surely that would mean... aw hell it was damn good money for easy work and depending on the night it wouldn't even interfere with his cleaning job at McGrundy's. He picked up the phone and dialled the number.

* * *

'Joey! How nice to see you again, you're looking well.'

'Hi Ms. Defoe, nice to see you too.'

'Oh you're not in high school any more, please call me Claire.'

'Thanks... Claire... ehm... what do I...?'

'Well we have six poses in the three hours and we alternate between the two models so I'd like you to go first, it's been a while since we had a male model, the students are so looking forward to it! I'll help you into the correct pose and then you have to try and stay as still as possible for twenty minutes, then we switch to the other model and you get a nice half hour to rest, all right?'

'Eh... I guess... eh... ehmm... do I have to... I mean... everything?'

'Of course! It's a life class! No one wants to sketch your tighty whities, now don't be embarrassed, it's nothing none of us haven't seen before. Now if you go in here and get ready, you can put that robe on until I call you, OK? Good.'

A few minutes later Joey heard some people arriving out in the studio, greeting Claire and clattering around setting up their easels. There didn't seem to be that many then a whole crowd of ten or more arrived together. In the old threadbare terrycloth robe he wore he snuck over to the door and peeped through the crack. There were about thirty students out there, mostly older adults or middle-aged and a few of the blue rinse brigade as well.

He took a deep breath to calm himself and then tried a few more without much success. He went over to the dusty old mirror and opened his robe to check himself over... again._'Must be cold in here.'_ He thought to himself.

'Joey!'

'Eeeep!'

'We're ready for you now.'

Men had gone to the gallows less willingly than Joey Schwartz walked out of the back room and up to the dais in the center of the students. His imagination pictured them all wearing red caps and knitting. They were definitely giving him some knowing looks and smirking at him. _'Oh GOD!'_

'Now Joey, it's time to take off the robe and sit down here.'

_'Just pretend... just imagine it's... oh hell, here we go, let's get this over with quick!'_

'That's good, now stretch your left leg out a bit more and lean back onto the cushion like a Roman at a feast, that's it, perfect. Are you comfortable? Can you hold that position?'

Joey didn't trust himself to speak so he nodded, tight lipped. He tried to tune out and find a daydream to take him out of that place but he just couldn't get away from the fact that all these people were looking at... at... at his JUNK!_ 'Gah dammit!'_

It was exquisite torture for what seemed like an eternity until finally Claire came over to tell him to put his robe back on and go take a break. Superman on speed couldn't have moved faster. He almost collided with a thin woman with waist length black hair and purple lipstick who was coming out of the back room wearing a sleeveless robe similar to his own. He barely glanced at her as he muttered an apology and dived through the door.

It took five minutes of shaking and several cups of water from the dispenser before he got his heart rate down and his nerves under control. He took a bathroom break and when he came back in he decided to have a look see how the other model was coping.

He opened the door an inch and looked out. She lay stretched out on her side with her left arm supporting her head, her right arm rested on her hip and held a single blood red rose. His eyes were immediately drawn to the black curly tangle of hair covering her sex, then he let his eyes roam up her body past that magnificent set of natural assets to her face where her eyes were looking right. At. HIM!

**BUSTED!**

She didn't seem upset or offended in any way and a small, mocking smile played around her lips as she watched him. Then, very slowly, she stuck her tongue out and licked her lips. That was too much for Joey, he ducked back into the room and sat down in the chair.

_'Pheeeeeuuuuuw!'_ He whistled to himself. _'That was something else!'_ It took all of his willpower not to go back and ogle at the woman some more. A few minutes later the girl walked in chatting with Claire in the familiar way of old friends. She was wearing the robe but hadn't bothered to tie the belt so it hung loose, if anything accentuating her nudity rather than covering it. At this close range she was even more attractive... and intimidating!

'Have you met Joey? He's our new male model.' They were right in front of his chair, they were right in front of his CHAIR! What to do? What to do? There's a nekkid woman in front of you where do you look?! Her eyes, yes, that was safe, her eyes.

'Hi Joey, I'm Alison, pleased to meetchya I'm sure.'

'Hi... Alison... I'm Joey.'

'Yes, I know, I'm Alison.'

'I'm Joey.'

'Is this some old Monty Python sketch?' Claire asked, puzzled.

Alison threw back her head and laughed out loud which caused all sorts of interesting things to happen in front of Joey's face. He tried very hard to think about cricket... and Mother Theresa... and lepers... and... Oh God not now please not now please let me get permanent erectile dysfunction right this second and I'll... He did his best to cross his legs nonchalantly (aaoooohhhhwww!) and tried to be cool and sophisticated. After all this wasn't the first naked woman he'd seen he'd even... DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!

'Anyhow Joey I need you back outside in five minutes for the next pose all right?'

'Sure!' That came out as a squeak.

Alison leaned against a storage cabinet and folded her arms.

'So Joey tell me... your first time huh?'

'Yip... I mean yes.' He answered, deepening his voice as much as possible.

'Do I... make you nervous?'

'No... no, not at all... ehm... why would I be eh... nervous?'

'Oh... I dunno... unless it's to do with that massive boner you're trying to hide.'

'My wh... Oh God!'

'Maybe you'd better head out to the bathroom and throw cold water on it... or something, I'll stall for you... after all, it is kinda my fault.'

He nodded gratefully and stood up awkwardly to leave but as he was walking past her she reached out and grabbed the front of his robe, pulling it open. He debated whether he should try and cover himself with his hands but she'd already closed the gap between them, her own robe flapping open as she pressed her whole body against him, grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

Supernovas were still exploding in his head moments later when she pushed him away and smacked his ass as he went out the other door to the men's room.

'That was in case you needed some ammunition, cowboy.' Was her parting remark.


	14. A Little Encouragement

_This originally appeared as part of the "No Gas" shared story thread by DeacBlue on PPMB where after a nuclear war in the Middle East there was no gas (Petrol) available to the public but Daria was able to capitalize by using her electric powered car as a taxi._

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

_This original story 2012 Peetz5050_

_**A Little Encouragement**_

'Jane... I don't think I can go through with this...'

'Sure you can Daria, after all, it was your idea and you're the main sponsor... we need to encourage people to use bicycles and this is the best way to get the message across... no one will miss this... besides... you look good in a bikini.'

'I wish it was a bikini... as opposed to just body paint... it doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, does it?'

'That's the idea, anyhow, I'm 'dressed' the same, most of the girls in school are in on this... even the Fashion Club!'

'Yes but you're not as... heavy on top...'

'The pc word is "Athletic", rub it in why don't ya!'

'Like you did with the body paint!'

Just then Brittany Taylor bounced in and said 'Hi girls! Are you all ready to ride? I can't wait to get into the saddle and feel the fresh air on my skin. Are we going down Second Street? I'm looking forward to the cobblestones!'

There was a loud thump from one of the cubicles behind them.

Jane asked 'What the hell was that?' She hunkered down and peered under the door. 'Uh, oh.'

'What is it?' Daria asked.

'I think...' Jane went into the adjoining cubicle, stood on the pan and looked over the partition. She said 'Call 911, Upchuck just turned the Petite Mort into the Grand Mort...' Then she grinned. She just couldn't help herself 'It was done in... the girl's bathroom... by Brittany... with her Boobs! Clue!'


	15. That's How the Girls are in Texas!

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

Upchuck was being even more Upchucky than usual. He turned to Daria and Jane and sleazed "How about you, Ladies, what's your favorite 'position'?"

Jane was about to tear him a new one when she heard Daria answer. "The 'Rodeo' of course." She said in her deadest deadpan.

"Grrr... er what? I've never heard of...?"

"You never heard of the 'Rodeo'? I'm surprised an experienced guy like yourself never tried it. It's the best! We all do it that way in Texas."

"Enlighten me then, fair maiden, my ears hunger for your instruction!"

"Oh well what you do is you both get undressed." Daria began matter of factly. "Then the guy lies down on the bed and you tie his hands and feet to the four corners." Upchuck was starting to sweat and his eyes were popping out of his head. Jane was feeling a little unsettled herself.

"Then you climb aboard, cowgirl fashion, then, and this is the best bit, you lean down and whisper in his ear 'I have Aids!' Then the trick is to stay on as long as possible." She then took off an imaginary hat and waved it in the air. "Yee-haw!"

"Grrrr... Feist...eeeep!" Daria turned and quietly walked away. Leaving Upchuck shaken and broken behind her.

Jane hurried after her friend, still unable to process. As she drew level she saw a glimpse of Daria's famous half smile.

"Phew Amiga! You had me going there for a minute!"

Daria looked at her still smiling. "A minute? Nah, best I ever did was twenty-eight seconds..."


	16. Ex Ex

_Tip of the hat to William Gibson for Daria's lens implants._

_**Ex Ex**_

'Now girls I know it's not easy for you to move to a new school in a new town so don't be surprised if it takes some people a little while to warm up to you, right Daria?' The voice of JAKE came from the front seat.

'Yes Daddy.' Daria answered sarcastically from the rear banquette. When it looked like more was coming she leaned forward between the two front seats and flicked a switch, causing the hologram of JAKE to vanish. The AutoMobile continued on its way regardless.

'I hate it when AI's start trying to act like your parent.' Daria remarked but Quinn didn't answer, either she was engrossed in something on her binocular display or simply ignoring her older sister, not that it mattered.

Daria was more than a little ticked off. Why did this stupid State insist on them attending a physical school where they could be 'Socialized', whatever the hell that meant, when she could learn as much or more online? Damn nanny state! She used her implants to log into a message board to see if there were any responses to the latest update to her Melody Powers textnovel – nothing, not even from ameliaiscute57 who could usually be relied upon to boost her numbers. She sighed as she noticed the GPS in the corner of her left lens informing her they had reached their destination. The AutoCar came to a halt and she gave Quinn's shoulder a harder push than was strictly necessary to rouse her.

'WHAT?'

'We're here is what, time to get out and run the gauntlet of bacteria, viruses, retroviruses and godknowswhatviruses as we join the student body.'

'Eeeeeuuuwwwww DARIA! Don't be so gross!'

Quinn rapidly checked her make-up (Perfect!) and gave her hair a flick then pressed the switch to depressurize the car and the door swung up. She got out and paused, pretending to look around her but really just making sure she was being seen then made her way forward. She was immediately approached by some fashionably dressed girls and some football player types who swarmed around.

_'Like flies on doggy poo.'_ Daria thought to herself.

'HI! You're cool, what's you name?'

'Quinn Barksdale.'

'Cool name.'

'Will you go out with me?'

'Here we go again.' Daria waited until the pack had moved off then got out of the AutoCar and walked away without a word. Behind her the door silently closed and the car eased itself out into traffic and back toward home.

Her implants showed her the way to the administration office where she had to check in. She was offered a map of the school but she just tapped her silvered lens implants and said. 'Got it already, thanks, plus my class schedule. Economics now, right?'

'Not just yet, all students are required by State mandate to take a simple psychological examination before being allowed in with the other students, please proceed to room 901, ninth floor, your appointment is in five minutes, you will be monitored in the hallways at all times and any deviations from proscribed routes is an automatic disciplinary. Have you understood what I just told you in its entirety or do you wish it repeated in the language of your choice?'

'Got it.'

'It is customary to say "Thank You" at the end of an exchange.'

'Not to a machine, it isn't.' Daria grunted as she stalked away.

A real live psychologist, how very old fashioned.

'Now Dara, look at this picture I'm holding up, what do you think it represents?'

'It's Daria, a lot of people make that mistake, usually only once though. That picture? I dunno, a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains?'

'No "Daria", it's two people talking, now can you make up a little story imagining what they're saying?'

Daria thought for a moment, then with a wicked little smile said. 'It's two people talking and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.'

'They must be stuffed ponies in a museum then.' The counselor replied tartly. 'Right then Ms. Smartass, you just earned yourself six weeks of attitude adjustment training, now get out of my sight.'

'Pppppppbbbbbbttttt.'

'What was that?'

'Nothing, just gas.'

'Hmph.'

She knocked at the door of the History Lab and went in. The "Teacher" glowered at her for interrupting the lecture but the System didn't flag her as being deliberately late so she wasn't to be punished this time. She found a seat and sat down.

The AI, usually avatar'd as some impossibly bland, blond good looking officer type had obviously been based on a real person who had lived at some time in the past. It looked like an older man with graying black hair and the software must have had a glitch because its right eye bulged out in an incongruous fashion. It had a weird deep voice too. 'Well class, it appears we have a noo STOOdent joining us today. State your NAME please.'

'Daria Barksdale.'

'Well Daria Barksdale, perhaps you feel its unFAIR to be asked a question on your first DAY.'

'Excuse me?'

'Last week we began our module on the early Twenty-First century and the event now known as the Little Big Bang, can you calmly and unemotionally tell me what act passed by a majority of global parliaments in 2025 brought about the event and furthermore, what were the implications of that act?'

'It was the Asimov-McCarthy act and its most direct result was the granting of limited citizenship and classification as a life-form to AI's who passed the Turing tests. No one thought to ask how ordinary dumb humans felt about that though.'

'Very good Ms. Barksdale, almost suspiciously good, are you accessing that information through your implants?'

'No, I am prohibited from doing so by the school firewall as you already know.'

'You obviously don't have much respect for AI's judging by your attitude Ms. Barksdale.'

'You're wrong, I don't discriminate against AI's.'

'I see, well I shall have to keep an eye on you Ms. Daria Barksdale.'

Ironically, History class had been the highlight of her day.

* * *

Daria was even more ticked off after school when she discovered that Quinn had commandeered the car to take her new friends to a mall. A mall! Why for God's sake? Online shopping was faster, cheaper and above all private. But that was Quinn for you, she'd rather try on ten outfits and buy none of them then try on ten more, sheesh.

At least the paths home were clean and seemed pretty safe. She arrived in and checked her messages, nobody else was going to be home for dinner – so much for court-mandated family time, perhaps they'd do it all in one go at the weekend – not.

She got the few bits of homework out of the way then 'waved some lasagne and ate it in her room as she cruised her message boards. Nothing much doing but then she got into a highly enjoyable flame war with some loser in Reykjavik about My Little Pony of all things. You hadda love the twentieth!

One good thing about the implants though, all she had to do was put on her night clothes and lie in bed and her Mom wouldn't bother her, she could stay online all night if she wanted to, and often had. She also had much better peripheral vision with them than she had with either her spectacles or the anamorphic contacts that just irritated her constantly. Trust her luck to not be a suitable candidate for lasik. She called up a still image of herself and examined it. The mirrored alloy shells fused to the skin around her eye sockets looked pretty cool too, it had taken all of her savings but it had been worth it, definitely, especially when Helen had found out it would cost more to have them removed. Hah! It was all right for Helen, like Quinn she didn't suffer from any genetic anomalies so she just didn't understand what it had been like for Daria being just about the only kid in Texas wearing glasses.

Daria put on an old TriVid that she knew would put her to sleep and lay back in her bed. Maybe something interesting would happen tomorrow... maybe.

Boring, boring, tedious, incomprehensible, bloody stupid and finally, boring. Now she had to go to that dumbass attitude adjustment course, joy!

She took a seat near the front of the auditorium and waited for something to happen. Just when she and the few other students were getting restless the door opened and a tired looking middle-aged woman with faded red hair came in and walked to the front of the room.

'Hi... will you turn that damn thing off I'm trying to talk here or do you want me to have the System block it for you... permanently?' The girl hurriedly hung up her call and pushed the binocular unit to the top of her head.

'Right. Now I'm Claire Defoe and in another life somewhere worthwhile I'm an art teacher but nobody takes art any more so I'm stuck doing this. Now, why are you here? You ticked somebody off, that's why. I have whole lectures and videos and crap about building up your self-esteem but most of you are so full of yourselves and full of **** that I'd be wasting my time so here's the skinny. You acted up hoping to get thrown out of school so you could do your courses on the net from the comfort of your own smelly little beds, right? Yeah, I've taught this course six times so I know the score all right. Now guess what, the System knows it too and it's on to you. The more you try to get out the more time you get to spend here, isn't that nice? So, sit through two days a week of this for six weeks then don't come back. Now I'm gonna stick on a video to make it look as if I'm trying to reach you or you can read this course material but so long as you don't give me a headache you pass so do your homework or read or take a nap or do anything that doesn't involve making a noise and that includes vidcalls. Any questions write them down and send them to me in an email... I never read my email. Out of here in forty-five minutes.' After this speech the woman walked past Daria and sat into a desk behind her and struck up a quiet conversation with the girl sitting right behind her.

Daria started on a paper for English class but in reality she was keeping half an ear on what was being discussed by the other two. They were both obviously keen artists and were comparing sketches and talking about other things they were working on. Daria found herself wishing she could join in, she had no real talent herself but had a healthy interest in all forms of the Arts from drama to dance, painting and sculpture to literature. It went against her grain a little but when the class was dismissed she resolved to try and strike up a conversation with the other girl, something she hadn't done in real life since... never.

'Hey.' Face to face Daria realized the girl had the deepest crystal clear blue eyes she'd ever seen, she wondered if they were artificial. She seemed friendly enough though, thank god.

'Hey yourself.'

'Emm... I'm Daria, you're in some of my classes.'

'Jane, yeah I've seen you around, whassup?'

'Oh... eh.. nothing really I just... I couldn't help overhearing you talking to the teacher back there... ehm... you're an artist yeah?'

'For my sins, yeah, but as Claire said there isn't much interest in art these days, do you paint or draw?'

'Wish I could, no, I'm a writer but... I'm very interested in art... expressing our humanity and all that... ehm... '

'What, do you want me to paint you like one of my French girls?'

Daria actually laughed at that one and was seriously impressed that Jane would know a hundred year old movie about a two hundred year old shipwreck. 'Nah, I just... here's me the wordsmith and I don't know what to say I...'

'I know just what to say.' Jane smirked.

'What?'

'Pizza!'

'That's the word I was thinking about. I'm new in town, anywhere good around this dungheap?'

DARIA BARKSDALE ONE DEMERIT FOR MAKING DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT THIS INSTITUTION – REPORT TO DETENTION AFTER CLASSES TOMORROW. THIS IS A MANDATORY PUNISHMENT

'Bummer Daria, sorry about that, the good ol' Constitutional right to free speech doesn't extend to school students.

JANE PHILIPS ONE DEMERIT FOR MAKING DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT THIS INSTITUTION – REPORT TO DETENTION AFTER CLASSES TOMORROW. THIS IS A MANDATORY PUNISHMENT

Daria smiled at her ruefully. 'Bummer Jane, now about that pizza, what say we zip it up and get out of this august institution of learning.'

Jane turned smartly about and offered Daria her elbow. 'Shall we, mam'selle?'

Daria took it and they walked off arm-in-arm.

Some time later they arrived at Daria's apartment in Glen Oaks Heights. They'd really hit it off over pizza and Daria couldn't believe how easy it was to just talk to Jane, they'd obviously seen a lot of the same old flatvids and even read a lot of the same books. It didn't hurt that Jane really seemed to like Daria and was fascinated by her optical implants and curious about what she could do with them. She followed Daria through the living area to her room at the far end of the central hallway.

'Wow Barksdale, what the hell?' Jane gestured at the sealed windows and the padded walls.

'Oh yeah, the previous owner kept her son alive in here for twenty five years, bubble boy you know? See this, it's an actual airlock for passing in food with a UV decontamination unit. Poor guy went crazy in the end, killed himself, remind me to show you the poetry scratched into the back of the closet door, it's creepy as hell – and educational.'

Jane laughed then looked at Daria speculatively. Daria blushed and turned her head away. Jane took her shoulder and turned her back to face her.

'Hey mirror eyes, look at me.' She said huskily.

'Jane I...'

'Hush.' Jane kissed her. After a few seconds Daria put her arms around Jane's neck and kissed her back, seriously. Then she stiffened and pulled away. 'What? What's wrong.' Jane asked, a little upset.

'Sorry, really I'm sorry it's just I'm still online with these and while we were kissing a message came in from my Mom, it startled me that's all. She won't be home til late, again, I'm offline now so...'

'Good.' Jane said as she took off her jacket and tossed it in the corner. The she pushed Daria backward until the smaller girl's legs hit the bed and she sat down. Jane knelt in front of her and mooched forward until they were pressed together. 'Now.' She breathed. 'Where were we?'

* * *

'Daria I need you to... who the hell is this skank?'

'Quinn haven't you ever heard of knocking?'

Jane, who had been sitting on the edge of Daria's bed stood up and yawned and stretched, raising her hands together over her head and flexing her shoulders back as she did so. She didn't fail to notice the appreciative look Quinn gave over her taut athlete's body. Neither did Daria.

'Hands off Quinn, I saw her first.'

'Yeah.' Jane drawled. 'And I'm kinda a serial monogamist, you'll have to wait until Daria throws me out with yesterday's chicken carcass before I'd consider it.'

'Aaauuugghhh! As if I'd take her leftovers! What Daria, did you order up a hooker?'

Jane's expression turned ice cold and she got right in Quinn's face. 'Say what, bitch?'

'Quinn, knock it off, she's my new friend from school, her name's Jane, get used to seeing her around.'

Jane looked around at Daria, a slow smile growing on her heart shaped face. She raised an eyebrow questioningly. Daria nodded. Jane grinned then blew Quinn a kiss. 'Hey you remind me of something, what was it now... oh yeah, gotta pee.'

'Honestly Daria what the hell...?'

'What Quinn? Actually no, just tell me why you barged into my room then you can leave, you're killin' my afterglow buzz here.'

'Gawd, I can't believe you scored before I even...'

'Before you? Awww boohoo.'

'Look Daria, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, my friends are coming over after dinner and we're gonna try on our outfits... and stuff... could you like stay in your room or go out someplace or something?' Quinn's tone was wheedling now, she didn't really have anything to offer Daria except maybe to return the favor, although now that might be an option.

'Aww but I was gonna...'

Jane poked her head out of the bathroom. 'Actually there's a band playing at the Zon tonight and I happen to be the sister of the lead singer and I can get us in comp, you wanna?'

'Sure Jane, thanks. You owe me.' She then said to Quinn. 'So... which of them are you gonna try for? That snotty brunette looks like she could go all night if you got her motor running properly. The other two are probably her lapdogs, you gonna steal them?'

Quinn's smiled a wicked little smile. 'You know me Daria, I'll take 'em all!' At the door she turned back and said. 'Mom said she'd be home by 10 which means 11.30 earliest, can you stay out til then?'

'I dare say... but not later, it's a school night. Have fun!'

'Yeah I will... you too with leggy girl.'

From the bathroom they heard. 'My left leg thanks you and my right leg thanks you. Hey Daria, how do you work this shower?'

'You just turn...'

'Show me.'

Daria smiled her satisfied little half smile at Quinn. 'Missouri gal huh? Later.'

Quinn nodded and left.

The Zon was a really old club that had been around since the Twentieth. It looked as if it had been converted from an old warehouse and also looked and smelled as if it had never been cleaned. Daria liked it immediately. The heavy set bruiser in the jujitsugi obviously knew Jane and waved them in. Daria was in her usual clubbing outfit of a green bolero jacket, black skirt and her retro combat boots. Jane wore her usual shorts, leggings and boots but had substituted her belt for a pair of rainbow colored braces behung with badges.

They found a table and got a couple of sodas. Alcohol was illegal which is why just about everyone in the place carried a hip flask to liven up their evening. Various other entertainments were being traded here and there as well.

Not long after they sat down they were approached by a stunning woman with dyed rhodamine colored hair wearing a floor length silvery duster and roman style sandals which laced up her calves to her knees. 'Hey Janey.' She said with a lazy smile. 'Who's your cute friend? I love those implants!'

'Hey Penny, this is Daria, we met in school. Dar, this is my sister Penny, she's gonna be singing here tonight.'

'Hiya.' 'Hey.'

'So, you kids want another drink or anything, we've a cooler full o' beer out back.'

'How about we catch you at the break?'

'That's cool, hold on to your britches, we're on in five.'

'Jane, I'm going out to the bathroom, you hold the seats?'

'Sure.'

Daria headed to the back of the club where an old neon sign declared the presence of "Toilets".

You could tell a place was really old when it still had two bathrooms. Ahead of her she saw the Quarterback and the head cheerleader from school making out, as she approached they broke off and went into the right hand bathroom holding hands, Daria turned her steps toward the left hand door.

There were a couple of people hanging around in front of the cubicles waiting. She raised her eyebrows in surprise when she saw on the opposite wall three porcelain urinals. She walked over and examined them. The white ceramic was a myriad of tiny interconnected age lines, impossible to fake, they must be originals!

As Daria was examining the antique condom machine and waiting her turn a girl came in wearing high-heeled black pumps and a preppy looking scarf. She took one look at the line and then casually used one of the urinals. Daria was shocked. She'd never seen anyone do that before. She wondered if she'd ever have the courage to try that herself, maybe if she was alone...

She was attempting to dry her hands on her skirt on the way back to their table when the lights came on the stage and Penny stepped up. There was a large banner behind the drummer declaring them to be "I Don't Know Y". Penny got the crowd's attention and began by announcing exactly that. 'Hey there, we're "I Don't Know Y" but we're thinking of changing the name. This got a laugh then they launched into their first number. They weren't half bad. Daria noticed they were all human and all actually playing their instruments. Kudos, she thought.

She had a pretty good night with Jane then had to leave when it got late. Jane opted to stay and help the band pack up but as they parted with a kiss she said. 'Seeya tomorrow, mirror-eyes?'

'You know it... besides... we have detention together.' Daria smiled and Jane grinned.

The AutoCar was outside waiting for her. It started asking her if she'd had a good time but she told it to shut up and stay shut up, if she wanted to talk to a machine the car was the last on the list, after the fridge and the toaster. When they got to her apartment building she saw her Mom's Red AutoCar in it's usual spot but the one allocated to her and Quinn's car was occupied by an oversized Chinese luxury model bearing the vanity plate "ESCHRECTER". Dammit! Mom cozying up to the boss again.

She went through the front door quietly and tried to tiptoe through the living area and get to her room undetected but...

'Daria, are you only coming home now? Where have you been til this hour?'

'Hi Mom, Hi Ms. Schrecter. I made a new friend in school, she invited me out to see her sister's band play.'

'You made a... well that is nice... I hope she's not like those two in...'

'No Mom, they weren't friends, they were a science experiment. Jane is a friend, I'll introduce you sometime. Tired Mom, gotta go to bed, school tomorrow, g'night.'

'Goodnight Sweetie.'

'Goodnight Daria, nice to see you again.' Daria nodded politely and fled.

She had just put on her pajamas when there was a tiny knock on the door and Quinn slipped into her room. 'What is it Quinn?'

'Oh... my screen is on the fritz and my eyes are too tired for a headset, can I use your vidscreen for a few? I just want to see the News.'

'Knock yourself out, I'm going to the bathroom to brush my teeth.'

'Daria?'

'Hmm, hmm?'

... the President has issued a statement saying that our reserves are at optimal levels and the banks are fully stocked and supported by the Federal Government, there is no cause for alarm. In related news...

'That's the third time Mom has had her Boss over.'

... geneticists at MIT are confident they will be able to...

'Hmm.'

... resistant to the J-B virus and bring a fetus to term...

'I don't like it.'

(Spit) 'Me neither, but it's her life, we get lonely, she gets lonely, what can you do?'

... members of the Opposition Party have claimed the president is...

'Yeah but she's only doing it to try and get a promotion to partner.'

... old men found hiding in a deserted monastery on top of a mountain in Cappadocia have died...

'Yeah, well women did far more for a lot less in the old days, you know?'

... leading the archaeological dig said...

'Would you do it Daria? Breed I mean?'

'No.'

'You didn't even think about it!'

... we were so sorry, if they'd only let us know they were there we would have stayed away...

'No Quinn, I have thought about it, deeply and over a long period of time. I'm not taking the risk, no babies for me, ever.'

Quinn clicked off the vid and looked at her, her eyes huge with worry. 'But what if... what if this is all there is, this life I mean, what if there's no one to remember you, pray for you... all right, all right I don't want that argument again but you know what I mean, don't you?'

Daria sighed and sat on the bed beside her sister. 'We're dead Quinn, we're all dead. The human race as a species is finished thanks to J-B. We just haven't fallen over yet. OK we might get another couple of generations from the banked sperm but that's it.' Quinn started to cry.

At a loss for what or say or do Daria finally put an arm across her shoulders. 'Listen Quinn if it's any consolation I do believe in an afterlife.'

'You? Don't try to...'

'No, I mean it, otherwise there wouldn't be a hell for Janet Barch to burn in forever would there? And that would be just wrong.'

'You said the bitch's name!' Quinn said accusingly.

'Yep, she was just a woman Quinn not a demon, a brilliant scientist but just a woman, a sad, twisted mysandrist, bitter husk of a woman. Hey cheer up, there's still hope for our children.'

'What do you mean?'

'The AI's, when we're gone the oversized pocket calculators will inherit the Earth, I wonder what they'll do with it, maybe make AI clones.'

'Or AI babies?'

'Nah, you're old enough to know the truth about what happens when an attractive genderless AI meets another attractive genderless AI.'

'What's that?'

'Nothing Quinn, nothing at all.'

FIN


	17. Shooting Daria

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

* * *

'Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Daria, right?'

'Did we move?'

'CUT!'

'Aww Glenn, what is it this time?'

'Relax, Will, it's not you. Tracy...' Glenn scratched his head and looked away, then turned back to his "star". 'Listen Trace, you're a teenager, right? Usually the hard work is in trying to get you to not act sullen and uninterested.'

'So, still too much?'

'Yeah Tracy, still too much. Can you flatten your voice even more and get a tad more sarcasm in there?'

'Yeah, right, I suppose I can give it a try...'

'Perfect! First positions everybody, we're going for another take.' Glenn shouted and the crew all looked busy.

Molly turned around to her from the front seat of the mocked up car on the trailer and said. 'Tracy, I know it's your first day but just relax and try to enjoy it, OK? Sometimes they'll do twenty or thirty takes and then use the first one, you'll get used to it.'

'Thanks Molly, I'll try.' It was all right for her, she'd had five years on "Castle" and was twenty years old passing for fourteen. Sixteen playing fifteen was a lot harder. Maybe she should have stuck to gymnastics, at least there she wouldn't have had to spend an hour in a make-up chair being made to look as if she wore no make-up. And as for these glasses...

'Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Daria, right?'

'Did we move?'

'I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.' Will was doing pretty good as the "Concerned Dad Jake".

Molly turned the radio volume up.

'Quinn, for instance?' Tracy did her best to add a sneer to her voice. She really liked Molly but knew she had to act antagonistically toward her, at least on camera.

Will picked up his cue. 'That's not what I meant... necessarily.' He turned the radio off. 'The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...'

Tracy leaned forward between the seats and turned the radio back on and cranked up the volume.

'Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!' She shouted. She could see Molly almost "corpsing" but fortunately she was a pro and held it.

Will said. 'Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah...'

The director yelled "cut" and they stopped moving.

'OK everyone, we'll come back to this spot to pick up the exterior of the car but for now we're going to scene 5, just after the car pulls in to the drop off. Get all the extras to first positions, let's try and do this in one take people!'

They set up in the drop-off circle outside Springfield High School which was going to double for the fictional Lawndale High. The regular students who had been drafted in as extras were all standing at various distances chatting and pointing at the well known actors walking about. Will and Molly getting the most attention. It didn't take too long and the director yelled "Action" and the kids started walking past the car. Fortunately none of them started mugging at the camera.

Will picked up on the dialog. 'Don't get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to you.'

Molly exited the car, and was immediately noticed by the other students. Tracy tried to keep her expression neutral but she secretly envied the way Molly turned on the "Hollywood" glamor.

Victoria playing Stacy stepped forward first. 'Hi! You're cool. What's your name?'

Molly smiled at her. 'Quinn Morgendorffer.'

Zendaya playing Sandi added. 'Cool name.'

A male student extra shouted. 'Will you go out with me?' But Molly ignored him.

Remembering her cue Tracy turned back to Will. 'I'll try to help her through this difficult period of adjustment.' Then she got out of the car.

Enthusiastically Will said. 'That's my girl! Wait a minute...'

As she started to walk away Tracy looked back over her shoulder and called. 'See you, Dad.'

'CUT! OK, that was great everybody, now let's switch to the regular car and do the exteriors.'


	18. The Foundling Parts 1 & 2

_All recognizable Daria characters are the intellectual property of Glenn Eichler and MTV/Viacom._

_This is fan fiction, written for fun and no money is being made._

* * *

Mrs. Manson popped her head outside her office door. 'Now I'll take the two Morgendorffer girls together next. Come along quickly.'

'Do I have to come in with her?' Quinn whined. 'I don't want people thinking we're related.'

'Now why is that Quinn? Do you not like your sister?' Mrs. Manson asked, a little concerned.

'She is NOT my sister! Who told you we were related? It's a lie!'

'Is she not... I mean are you not sisters?' She addressed the elder girl now who seemed mildly amused by the redhead's distress.

'No Mrs. Manson. Quinn is correct in her assertion. We are not related consanguinously.'

'But you have the same last name and the same address...?'

'Allow me to explain. I was adopted by Michael Morgendorffer and his wife, Quinn's grandparents, so I suppose in a way I am her aunt, but not by blood.'

'I... see... so how do you come to be living with your... I mean with Quinn's family, may I ask.'

'Of course. My adopted father died five years ago and my adopted mother, Ruth, is now quite elderly and in need of constant medical care. Quinn's parents, Helen and Jake, were kind enough to offer me a home.' Daria replied in an unemotional monotone.

'Nobody asked me.' Quinn muttered petulantly.

Daria turned to her and raised a puzzled eyebrow. 'I have apologized for my intrusion and my impact on your lifestyle is minimal. Why are you still complaining?'

'Because every time I turn around, there you are! At the table, in the bathroom, in front of the TV. Why don't you go back to wherever you came from?'

'I truly wish I knew where that was.' Daria replied with a hint of sadness. 'Once again I apologize. I must apologize to you also Mrs. Manson, I hope our little disagreement has not impinged negatively on your opinion of us as a family. I will continue to endeavor to minimize any friction between us here in Lawndale High.'

Margaret found herself almost mesmerized by Daria's complex sentence structuring and had to remind herself she was speaking to a student. 'Perhaps it might be best if I interview you separately after all, Dara, would you mind stepping outside?'

'Of course I do not mind. May I point out that my name is Daria, "I", "A". It's spelled similarly to Maria, your middle name, I believe.'

'How did you know that?'

'It is written on the diploma on the wall behind you.' Daria replied and left the room.

Margaret peered at the spidery copperplate on her old diploma, barely legible nowadays even at this range. 'They must be pretty good glasses she's wearing.' She muttered, almost to herself.

'She's always doing things like that, she gives me the creeps!' Quinn announced.

'Now Quinn, tell me a little about your home life, you just moved here from... where was it again...?'

A little while later Quinn emerged from the office. Daria started to go in but Quinn stopped her. 'She wants you to wait until she calls, I think she's going to call Mom... look just... try not to make things any worse OK? It's hard enough having to build your popularity from scratch without you like a vulture around my neck.'

'I believe you might mean an albatross, but your point is well made, if it is your desire I shall eschew your company save when family commitments dictate that we be together. Will that suffice to assuage your resentment of me?'

'Would you for gawd's sake learn to speak English! You may as well be speaking Swahili half the time!' Quinn shouted.

'-Oh No, Swahili sounds like this-' Daria replied in perfect Swahili. 'You can tell the difference, the phonemes are more guttural and...'

'STOPPIT!' Quinn yelled. 'You're giving me a headache!'

'Hey! Four eyes!.' Some boy shouted. 'Head's up!'

Without taking her eyes from Quinn Daria caught the thrown ball in her left hand and tossed it casually over her shoulder where it landed in a trashcan.

'I am really sorry to have discomfited you.' Daria said sadly. Quinn turned on her heel and practically ran away.

Only then did Daria turn her attention to the group of boys. She walked straight up to the one who'd thrown the ball and stopped just inside his comfort zone. From this range the unusual high sheen of her lenses was lessened and he could see her eyes. He wished he hadn't. He recoiled back from her and bumped the back of his head against the wall. 'Ow!'

She said nothing for just a little too long and then quietly said. 'Do not do that again.'

From further down the hallway Jodie turned a questioning look at Mack who looked back and shrugged, just as stunned as she was. They turned back just in time to see the new girl, a tiny, skinny little thing who'd just faced down the football team's entire defensive line go back into Manson's office and shut the door.

'Now Dara... Daria... this is a picture of two people talking, can you make up a little story about what they might be discussing?'

The girl seemed unsure. 'But I do not know these people, how can I know what they are saying? That is only a silhouette, I cannot identify them from that, there is insufficient data.'

'You don't need to identify them, just make up two imaginary characters and try to think what they might say to one another.'

'Can I pretend they are people I know? Helen and Jake for instance?'

'No, for this exercise it's better if you try to invent new characters.' Margaret answered with a reassuring smile, though she was beginning to worry about this girl's intelligence. Having a big vocabulary didn't imply she had a well formed psyche, autistic savant perhaps?

The girl seemed to think for a few moments then began. 'Very well. The male figure is Richard Simpson from Des Moines, Iowa and he is a software engineer with a degree in computer science from M.I.T. in Massachusetts, he is twenty-seven years old, unmarried, and lives in an apartment on the third floor of a nineteenth century brownstone in...'

'Stop, stop, stop. Are you trying to tell me you've imagined a whole life for this person?' Manson interrupted.

'You asked me to invent characters, did you not?'

'Yes but not every detail of their lives.'

'But I do not understand, how can I imagine what they might say if they do not exist as people in my mind?'

Manson gazed at the youngster in front of her, considering. 'What's the girl's mother's birth name?' She asked suddenly.

'Josephine Elizabeth Schmidt aged forty-eight and...'

'That's enough... I think... I feel we've done enough for today Daria. Just a couple of questions. You were home schooled I believe?'

'Yes, the Morgendorffer's farm was a great distance from the nearest school and MamaRuth was an elementary school teacher before she retired so it seemed to be for the best.'

'So you've never been inside a school before?'

'Not as a student, no, I did attend concerts and the like at the school in Lubbock where MamaRuth used to teach.' Margaret noticed something else strange about the girl as she spoke. She sat still, perfectly still. She didn't fidget or mooch around in her chair or slouch back. She sat up, attentive as a guard dog, so studiously polite she reminded Margaret of her brief visit to Japan. Margaret hadn't witnessed the scene with the football players so she was thinking to herself 'They're gonna eat you alive!' Aloud she said. 'Well all right then. Take this hall pass and go along to your first lesson. I hope you enjoy yourself here in Lawndale.'

'I shall certainly try. Thank you Mrs. Manson.'

************************************************** ***************

Anthony DeMartino was about to try to instill the basics of American history into this bunch of meatheaded poop factories one more time when he was interrupted by a tap on the door followed by the entry of a short, thin girl with thick brown hair and black rimmed glasses.

She excused herself for intruding and handed him the hall pass from Mrs. Manson. He pointed her to an empty desk near the front of the room. 'Now class.' He began. 'It seems we have a new student joining us today, raise your hand Daria Morgendorffer.'

The girl put her hand up. Anthony grinned ferociously. 'Well... seeing as how you have your hand up I may as well ask you a question or perhaps you feel it's unFAIR to be asked a question on your first day?'

'Excuse me? I do not understand in what context it could be construed as unfair for a teacher to ask a student a question, perhaps if you could clarify...'

'Perhaps I should just ASK the question, hmmm?'

'Of course.'

'Now, last WEEK we began our module on WESTward expansion, can you calmly and uneMOTIONally explain the concept of Manifest Destiny?'

Daria took a breath and began to recite. 'Journalist John L. O'Sullivan, an influential advocate for Jacksonian democracy and a complex character described by Julian Hawthorne as "always full of grand and world-embracing schemes", wrote an article in 1839, which, while not using the term "manifest destiny", did predict a "divine destiny" for the United States based upon values such as equality, rights of conscience, and personal enfranchisement "to establish on earth the moral dignity and salvation of man".  
This destiny was not explicitly territorial, but O'Sullivan predicted that the United States would be one of a "Union of many Republics" sharing those values.  
Six years later, in 1845, O'Sullivan wrote another essay entitled 'Annexation' in the Democratic Review, in which he first used the phrase "Manifest Destiny". In this article he urged the U.S. to annex the Republic of Texas...'

'Whoa, whoa, stop. 'DeMartino interrupted. 'That's word for word what it says in the textbook, did you memorize the entire thing?'

'Yes.'

'What?'

'Yes.'

'What?'

'You asked me did I memorize the textbook, I answered "yes". Is there a problem? I believe my answer was correct if incomplete, shall I continue from where I...?'

'No, that's enough for now. Let's see if any of the other students even opened the book despite being given this chapter as an assignment last week! How about you Kevin?'

'Aww man, I had football practice!'

* * *

_**Part 2**_

_Any thoughts would be most welcome. I'm introducing Jane in this part. I'm hoping the friendship works even though Daria is at this point a very different personality. For the purpose of this story Jane is also highly intelligent but with something of a blind spot when it comes to math. She's the weird "brainy" art chick._

* * *

'So girls, how was your first day?' Helen asked as she portioned out the lasagna.

'Very pleasant thank...' 'GAWD it was awful! SHE threatened a football player and it's all over the school that she's some sort of freak! Thank gawd nobody knows she's related to me, I mean she's not related to me, I mean dammit!'

'Quinn sweetie, what are you shouting about? Surely Daria didn't get into any fights on her first day, did you Daria?' Helen asked, concerned and not a little annoyed at her daughter's behavior.

Mildly surprised Daria answered. 'A fight, no, not at all. A football player threw a ball at me, probably some sort of prank or perhaps a hazing ritual, I asked him not to do it again, that is all.'

'Is that it, Quinn? Why are you making such a fuss then? Did you see the boy throw the ball?'

'Well of course I saw Jeffy throw it!' Quinn asserted. 'He was probably trying to impress me, now he'll never ask me out! SHE scared him away!'

'Now Quinn you're being ridiculous, how could Daria have scared a footballer. Now if you can't behave you can eat your dinner in your room.'

'Mo'oommmmm!"

'Be quiet Quinn, we're trying to eat. So Daria, how was your first day of school?' Helen attempted a smile as she turned to the older girl.

'It was an interesting experience. Unfortunately I have already covered all of the course material for sophomore year so there was nothing new in my classes. Most of the teachers seem to care very little whether the students pay attention or not, they simply repeat their notes and ask the occasional question, I answered a few and then they seemed to prefer it if I let the others answer instead, even though they mostly got them wrong. Mr. Demartino suggested I should look into changing to a more challenging school such as Grove Hills.'

'What?!' Jake spoke up for the first time. 'Does he have any idea what that place costs? Mom's money wouldn't come close to paying for a ritzy private school like that, may as well try and get you into Fielding Prep - after we win the lottery!' He turned grumpily back to his food.

Daria appeared perplexed. 'I am sorry if I have caused discord. I have no desire to attend any other school, I can continue my studies by myself, the teachers were content for me to engage in private study once they were satisfied they had nothing to teach me.'

'Jake.' Helen said, warningly. 'Your mother asked us to see to it that Daria had the best possible education, we have to look into anything that will help her. The educational standards here are much higher than in Highland so both girls will benefit from the move. Perhaps when I make partner in the firm we can consider private schools... for both of them. Meanwhile if Daria is content to stay in Lawndale High I don't see any point in having an argument about it. Now, who'd like more lasagna?' Helen was interrupted by the phone ringing.

'Hellooo, yes she's my daughter, did she? Oh I see...' Helen hmm'd and nodded through the conversation only asking the occasional question. At the end she said. 'Do you really think... Well I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try, yes, thank you, good night.'

'Who was that Helen?' Jake asked.

'The school Principal. You girls took a psychological test today?'

Daria answered first. 'I would not have characterized it as a psychological test, after all, Mrs. Manson's diploma does not qualify her to... '

'I'm sorry Daria, but that's not what I asked. You both took a test?'

'Hah! Yeah, I suppose she diagnosed her as a freak, well I'm not surprised, call the men in the white coats to...' Quinn was ranting again.

'Quinn!' Helen interrupted. 'Ms. Li had no problem with Daria except to apologize because she had so few advanced placement courses available. No, Mrs. Manson seems to feel that the way you're so concerned that Daria's presence in the school could negatively affect your popularity indicates a lack of self-esteem. Fortunately the school runs a course to help young people like you, it's run by a Mr. O'Neill, you start after school tomorrow.'

'MOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!'

* * *

'Daria? it is Daria isn't it? Is that how you pronounce it?'

'Yes Ms. Defoe, that is the correct pronunciation, the name is Persian in its etymology and originally would have... '

'Yes I'm sure but I wanted to ask about your painting - if I can call it that. That's a very unusual technique, if you don't mind me saying so.'

'You said we were to create a facsimile of the objects on the table, did you not? Have I erred in my representation?'

'No. No you haven't, not even a tiny little bit, that's just it though. Your painting is more like a photograph than anything else, it's accurate, precise and... and... utterly meaningless. It expresses nothing about how you feel about these items.'

'Feel? I am sorry Ms. Defoe, I do not understand, how should I feel about a bowl, a flower and a toy soldier?'

'I don't know! That's just it, I can't tell you how to feel, only you can. You explore your feelings and then try to represent them on the canvas.' Claire could tell even as she was speaking that the girl did not get it. 'Come and look at this Daria.'

They crossed behind a number of other students, most of whom were sketching the still life with varying degrees of success and paused a few feet behind another girl about Daria's age. The other students had given this girl a wide space all to herself and it wasn't hard to see why. She was attacking the canvas furiously, paint flying in all directions. What at first glance seemed to be random abstract shapes were gradually resolving themselves into a poor little flower using the bowl to defend herself against the looming menace of the toy soldier. It was the still life morphed into something worthy of Hieronymus Bosch.

Daria stood watching in awe for the rest of the lesson. Claire left her to it, hoping the girl would learn some truths about art. When the bell rang the girl at the easel jerked as if she'd been shot and seemed to wake up out of her frenzy, stepping back to admire her work and standing on Daria's toe.

'Oh, sorry 'bout that, didn't see you there. So... whaddya think?'

'I must say I am terrifically impressed by your artistic talent. I could not have conceived of this if I lived for all eternity but as I see what you have done your interpretation was always present given the cultural memes associated with each of the items on the table, particularly the femininity of the flower juxtaposed with the bravadaccio of the tin soldier.' Daria replied earnestly.

'I have no idea what you just said but I want you to write the reviews for all my paintings from now on. Jane Lane... oops, sorry, I'll clean my hand first.'

'There is no need Jane.' Daria replied, taking her hand and shaking it firmly. 'I need to wash up myself. I am Daria Morgendorffer'

'Pleased to meetcha, c'mon, you've seen mine, now show me yours.'

'I am afraid Ms. Defoe is not very happy with my creativity.'

'Holy cow Morgendorffer! How did you do that?' Jane enthused, touching a corner of Daria's picture with her finger to verify it wasn't really a black and white photograph.

'I simply draw what is in front of me. Ms. Defoe says it does not express my sentiment about the subject. I must confess that after seeing what you have done I fear I am too literal minded for art.'

'No, no, look there's a lot of talent in this - though it is a bit photographic. Have you studied art before? I mean the history of art and all that?'

'I confess I have not, it did not figure largely in MamaRuth's interests. Can you perhaps recommend a book I could read?'

'I can do better than that, come over to my house after school, I have lots of books, we're an artistic family us Lanes, we've been collecting for years.'

'Collecting what?'

'Dust mostly, but we have a ton of books too, lots of them are art books, we even have Madonna's Sex.'

Daria was quiet for a while, then asked. 'I assume given the context that you were referring to a book?'

'Of course!' Jane replied. 'What did you think I meant?'

'Well at first I thought... well never mind that but may I ask...? The Madonna has been a popular subject for artists for centuries I believe but I have never heard of her being depicted having sex. Surely that would be pornographic in nature and unsuitable even for persons of our age group?'

'Well for starters it's a different Madonna.' Jane asserted while trying not to laugh. 'This one is by that pop-star and although it's not pornographic it's certainly not aimed at kids. My Dad went bananas when he caught me coloring it in when I was nine, then he went on to give me a two hour lecture about the poor lighting set-up for the studio shots and how the photographer wasn't a patch on Annie Liebowitz in his treatment of nudes... and you have no idea who any of those people are, do you.' Jane added sadly, it was a statement, not a question. Then she waved her hand back and forth in the air a couple of times.

'Why are you doing that?' Daria asked, genuinely curious.

'One hand clapping - symbol of my life, look if I'm boring you you don't have to...'

'You are not boring! In fact I must state that other than a couple of the teachers you are the singular most interesting person I have met since I left the farm. Please tell me who you are referring to, I really want to know.'

'What, are you Amish or something?'

'No, I am not Amish - or any kind of Mennonite. I was home schooled on a remote farm which, I hope, may explain my idiosyncrasy. Please be patient with me.' Daria entreated the taller girl.

'Are you messing with me? Is this some sorta joke cos if it is I'm...'

'I assure you Jane, I am not making a joke with you, please...'

Jane looked around and noticed they were the only ones left in the art room. 'C'mon then, let's get outta here - oh damn, damn, damn, damn dammit!'

'What is it Jane?'

'I forgot, they've condemned me to that dumb self-esteem class again this year, waste of my damn time. Look, it's an hour, can you wait?'

'Certainly, I have my constant companions.' Daria easily picked up a backpack that looked surprisingly heavy and slung it over her shoulders. Jane reached over and attempted to lift a strap.

'What the hell have you got in there? Bricks?'

'No. Books. If you do not mind I will not come with you to the class room. A member of my adopted family is also attending and she has requested that I avoid her wherever possible. I will wait for you outside the school.'

'Ouch! That's cold. That must hurt, huh?'

'It does, I have attempted to befriend her but I feel she resents me and fears I will usurp her place in her parents' affections. She is wrong of course but she suffers from many insecurities. She is moderately intelligent but hides it for fear of being labelled as a 'brain'. It is patently absurd.'

'Not around here it's not.' Jane replied sagely. 'Jocks good, brains bad! That's the motto.'

'An Animal Farm reference?'

'You've read it?'

'Yes of course, it's a classic of literature although the allegorical elements are a little heavy-handed and the anthropomorphization of the animals defies credulity. I mean the fowl especially have brains the size of walnuts so there is no way they could ever vocalize their...'

'Daria.' Jane interrupted. 'Don't get me wrong, it's fun and all but sometimes you do go on a bit, you know?'

'I did not know. I apologize.'

'There's no need to apologize just... I don't know what I mean but it's like talking to an encyclopedia... or Webster's dictionary or something, it's a little weird, you know?'

Daria looked at her as they walked down the corridor together. Eventually she almost whispered. 'I am sorry.'

'No. I'm sorry. Listen kid, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings it's just... I spend most of my time on my own and sometimes I just say the complete wrong thing. Look, later I'll treat you to pizza to make it up to you, OK?'

Daria smiled a tiny smile. 'Thank you Jane. I am looking forward to it.'

As they walked down the empty hallway Jane noticed something odd but couldn't quite put her finger on it. It was only later as she tried to sleep that it came to her. Daria wore boots only slightly smaller than her own but she had only heard one set of footsteps echoing back to her.

* * *

TBC?


	19. The Foundling Part 3

'Are you sure it is not an inconvenience Jane? If you prefer you are most welcome in my home, Helen has encouraged me to make friends.'

'Nah, I think there are one or two of my books you haven't read yet, besides, Trent is due home today and hopefully he has some money from those gigs, we need groceries dammit!'

Daria was quiet - quieter than usual that is - for a while as they walked home. Jane glanced sideways at her a few times.

'OK, out with it Morgendorffer, what's nigglin' at yer noggin?'

'I do not... oh I see. It is of no moment. A question of ethics really. Unfortunately my sheltered upbringing has left me ill-prepared to deal with a quandary such as this.'

'A quandary? Oooh, I thought they were extinct... that was a joke Daria, I know what a quandary is, but why are you in one?'

'Please promise me you will not be offended.'

'In all honesty I can't promise that but I promise I will forgive you. Good enough?'

'Thank you Jane.' Daria replied earnestly. 'I was debating with myself whether it would be inappropriate at this early stage of our friendship to offer you food... or assistance with the purchase of same. I would not offend you for the world but your dependence on that dreadful fare supplied by the school is a matter of no little concern to me and much as I have come to love pizza in your company it is not a substitute for proper nutrition. The excess of acne on your neck and the condition of your sclera indicate...'

'Whoa, hold on right there, enough about my eyeballs, OK? I was never a big vegetable eater anyways and whaddya mean about my neck?'

'Well I know you cannot see it properly but when I saw you undressed during gym class today I was quite startled by its appearance, momentarily I considered that it might even be a form of pox but that is unlikely.'

It was Jane's turn to walk along in silence. Eventually she said. 'That bad, huh?'

'I am afraid so, please do not take offense, I speak only out of genuine concern for you... other than my adoptive parents you are the first... and only friend I have.'

'Yeah? Well... OK.. I know you weren't trying to insult me so... look if things get that bad I'll take you up on that offer, OK? So let's hope Trent is back and I'll get him to buy some fruit and stuff all right?'

Daria favored Jane with one of her rare smiles.

'Speaking of gym class, what was that routine with putting your hand out to the volleyball after it had gone past already? It was funny but you looked a bit of a dork and I thought Coach Morris was gonna have an aneurism!'

'I try to... I am afraid I might hurt someone again so I keep my involvement to a minimum.'

'Again?' Jane looked at her quizzically. 'There's a story there Morgendorffer, out with it, that didn't happen in Lawndale and I thought you didn't go to school back in... Lubbock was it?'

'Lubbock, yes... I... I had some time to wander around one time when MamaRuth was at a doctor's appointment. It was during the Summer. Some girls... some Hispanic girls, children of immigrants I was told, were playing volleyball in a public park and asked me to join them to balance their numbers. After they explained the rules to me I agreed to try. It went well until I spotted an opportunity to spike the ball, unfortunately one of the other team tried to get underneath to defend it. I was so sorry for her, they were poor so they could never afford the reconstructive surgery, her fingers would heal properly but I fear she will be deformed for life. It bears heavily on my conscience Jane and I would never wish to inflict that level of suffering on another.'

Jane had stopped walking and was staring at her. 'Exactly how hard did you hit it? I mean, you're barely there, you look like you'd blow away in a stiff breeze... I mean... how...?'

'I am very much stronger than I appear Jane. PapaMichael was a soldier - a marine in fact - and from an early age he trained me to be strong and fit. I hope that explains my odd behavior, it is a painful memory for me.'

'Yeah... I guess... wow so you're secretly Wonder Woman eh? Are your hands registered as deadly weapons?' Jane grinned at her cheekily.

'I could use you to practice on and we shall see.' Daria replied acidly.

'There it is! I knew I could teach you the way of the snark! After only a few days! God I'm good!' Jane started to do an insane little victory dance.

Daria stood watching all this stoically. Eventually Jane got embarrassed enough to stop and they continued on their way.

* * *

'I meant to tell you your... niece or whatever wasn't in Self-Esteem class again today, that's three she's missed, are you going to tell her Mom?' Jane asked as she finished her last slice of pizza.

'I should, but I fear that would dash any hope I might have of reconciling with her.'

'Wise move. She's gonna get it in the neck anyhow coz however useless Timmy is he does take attendance so I...' She was interrupted by a loud cacophonous noise coming from the basement.

'WHAT IS THAT?' Daria shouted over the din.

'Trent, he's back, come on and meet him and say hello.'

It took a while for Trent and Jesse's jam session to peter out. The girls stood on the bottom of the stairs waiting for the echoes to die away and the neighborhood cats to come out of hiding. 'Yo Trent.' Jane began. 'When did you get back?'

'Hey Janey, about an hour ago I guess, who's this?'

'Daria, my friend from school.'

'A friend, huh? Cool. Ehm, did ya want something? We're kinda writing a song here.'

'Yes Trent, I want you to buy some food. The cupboard is bare - literally. That muck down the back of the cooker is starting to look tasty, did you make any money?'

'Yeah, sure, some but I need to buy... '

'Buy what, Trent?' Jane asked with a dangerous gleam in her eye.

'Eh... food I guess.'

'He guessed right! Give him a banana! Listen, I'm heading over to Daria's, she's gonna try and hammer some math into my head, when I get back I expect to see some cans in the kitchen cabinets, some meat in the fridge and some fruit in the bowl, oh, and toilet paper - otherwise I'll pawn your guitars... again!'

'Aww Janey!'

'I mean it. Let's go Daria.'

'Goodbye Trent. It was a pleasure to meet you. Your music is interesting. Were you attempting a fusion of altered chord progression with the normal progression using an augmented fourth or were you...'

'Come ON! Daria!'

'What did she say?' Jesse asked as Jane clumped up the stairs followed gracefully by a silent Daria.

'I don't know.' Trent answered. 'Maybe there's something wrong with her throat.'


	20. The Foundling Parts 4 & 5

_**Part 4**_

Jane and Daria were at their lockers prior to going in to lunch.

'So then O'Neill tries to...' Jane was saying when she was interrupted by the arrival of an unwelcome visitor.

'Ladieees, it's been three weeks and I haven't yet had the pleasure of dining with you fair damsels, would you allow me the pleasure of buying you lunch?'

'Can it Upchuck.' Jane snapped. 'The only pleasure I'd ever get from seeing your face close up would be if it was on a milk carton.'

'Grrrrrr, feisty!' The ginger haired youth seemed undeterred by Jane's put-down. 'How about you, lovely lady? Might I be your paramour for the day?' He asked, turning his attention to Daria and wiggling his eyebrows.

Daria seemed to be genuinely curious. 'Tell me.' She asked. 'Are you attempting to initiate a mating ritual? Do you think this form of approach will convince either of us to engage in coitus with you?' Upchuck reddened at the mention of coitus and seemed a lot less sure of himself.

'Ehm, no? Not exactly... I mean I was just trying to be friendly... I... look there's no need to make fun of me I...' He suddenly turned and walked away hurriedly.

'Wow Daria, that must be a record! How did you do that? I've been trying to get him to buzz off since last year!' Jane enthused.

'I do not understand why he left. I merely asked him a question, why did he do that?'

'You're kidding, I mean are you serious? You just chased off the Chuckmeister in under thirty seconds and you didn't even want to! What... why did you ask him that?'

Daria looked back at Jane, mildly surprised. 'I wanted to know, of course. I have never been wooed before, I thought it would help with my social development if I engaged in the social convention of dating. I merely wished to ascertain if he was actually "hitting on" me or if this was another prank. You seem to abhor his company yet he is no more repulsive than many of the other boys in attendance here and at least he is cleanly in his habits and does not smell of the locker room constantly as do certain of the others.' Jane was staring at her open mouthed.

'Listen Daria if you want to date you could do a lot better than Charles Ruttheimer the turd. Tell you what, why don't I wangle us an invitation to Brittany's party on Saturday where you can meet some of the other boys in a neutral setting.'

'It will not be necessary to "wangle" an invitation - I have already been invited by Brittany herself. She did say I could bring a date so will you accompany me?'

'Daria! Be careful what you say out here in the corridor! There are enough rumors circulating about me I don't need any more. Look, I'm straight and for all your weirdness I think you are too and straight girls date guys, OK? Now, having said that I will go with you, just not as your date, right?'

'I think I understand Jane. I am aware that being labeled as homosexual can lead to ostracization by the student body and many, particularly male homosexuals frequently suffer violence and even death threats...'

'That's right girls.' A harsh voice sounded from right behind them. 'You don't need men to make you happy, they just use you up for twenty two years then leave you for some slut. If you want to come out as a couple just say the word, I won't let any of these Neanderthals hurt you. Now, can I count on you girls to come to my "Take Back the Night" seminar after school? There have been a lot of muggings in town lately and we're not gonna let some man make us hide are we?'

'Yes I mean no Ms. Barch I'd like to go but I have Self-Esteem class.' Jane offered hopefully.

'Don't you worry about that, if Timmy gives you any problems I'll speak to him.' Ms. Barch replied with a smile that wasn't very nice at all. 'What about you Ms. Morgendorffer?'

'Please explain to me what the class entails.'

'It's mostly just advice on not putting yourself in a dangerous situation.' Ms. Barch answered.

'Oh well in that case I suppose I can...'

'And self defense too of course.' Barch added as she walked away.

'Oh dear.'

* * *

Jane was fascinated watching the dance Daria did to keep herself out of the line of sight of Ms. Barch, Coach Morris and the woman in the jujitsugi who was teaching the practical side of self defense. It couldn't last forever though and eventually Daria had to step up and practice with a sparring partner - Tori Jericho, Lawndale's self-appointed arbiter of popularity.

Daria slid easily into a defensive form but it was fairly obvious that Tori had also had some training and looked as if she really wanted to hurt somebody today. At first Tori played by the rules, pulling punches and kicks before they made contact. With the grace Jane had seen her display before Daria always had a forearm or a knee in place to block the intended blow but she never struck out herself. Tori quickly got frustrated with the constant blocking and started to intensify her attack, the sound of fist hitting flesh drawing the attention of the instructor who came over and blew a whistle. 'Now girls, this is supposed to be a practice session, stop right now.'

Daria immediately stepped back and began to bow but Tori had already begun a roundhouse kick which got through and hit Daria square on the jaw. If Jane had not been watching so closely she would have missed it. Daria did not move for a fraction of a second then she threw herself onto the mat and began moaning loudly holding her face in her hands. The noise she was making though was nothing compared to the caterwauling coming from Tori Jericho as she wailed and screamed and rolled around on the floor.

After the ambulance left Jane found Daria in the changing room with her head down and an ice pack pressed to her cheek. 'Hey Daria.' The shorter girl just hmmmed back. 'Do ya wanna talk about it?' Negative hmmm. 'Did the paramedics look at your jaw?' Positive hmm. 'Nothing broken?' Negative hmm. 'Tori seems to have several broken phalanges and metatarsals, like she kicked a wall. Wanna talk about that?' Very negative nhhm nhmmm!

'OK Daria, stop kidding around, I know you're not hurt bad, let me see your face, take the ice away.' Jane ordered. Daria reluctantly complied. 'Do you want me to put some makeup on that?'

'On the bruise? Is it bad?'

'No, it's non-existant - which is a puzzler huh? Considering that if she'd kicked me that hard they'd be looking for my head in the bleachers. Now, do you want me to paint one on there for you?'

'You're not going to...?'

'Not here, not now. But you're treating me to a double pepperoni pizza and an explanation later, OK?'

'I... Jane I...'

'Shhh, not here I said, now, hold your chin up, this blusher I stole from Tori's bag should do the trick.'

* * *

_**Part 5**_

Jane was still munching on a slice of pizza but had set up a new canvas on her easel and was starting to sketch out something. Daria was sitting cross legged on Jane's bed leafing through some of Jane's old sketch books. The elephant was dozing quietly in the center of the room.

There was a knock and Trent poked his head around the open door. 'Hey Janey, do I smell pizza? Oh hey Daria.'

'Hello Trent.'

'Hey Trent, yeah, there's plenty, Daria seems to have lost her appetite today so help yourself.'

'Thanks.' Trent took a slice, rolled it up and almost swallowed it whole. 'Hmm, tha's goo!' he mumbled with his mouth full. Then he swallowed and said. 'Ehh Daria? What happened to your face?'

'It was an accident in gym today. Do not concern yourself. It looks much worse than it feels.' Daria replied. Jane snorted. Sensing the tension in the room Trent took another slice in each hand and beat a hasty retreat, hooking the door shut with his foot on the way out.

'So Daria.' Jane began as her brush flew over the canvas. 'Are you human?'

'In truth I do not know but I believe it is likely that I am not.'

'So... what is this? An invasion? Are you a lizard wearing a human face mask?'

'Jane, I am telling the truth when I say I do not know what I am, but as you see me is my true appearance. I am an animal, a living, breathing creature. I need to eat, drink, sleep and I've been menstruating since I was twelve. Twice a year.'

'What? Only twice? How do I enlist in your gang? Geeze!' Jane looked at her aghast.

'As you are already aware I am very much stronger and tougher than a human would be.' Daria continued. 'I am also faster and I have an eidetic memory, that is I never forget anything.'

'I know what it means, wish I had one, anything else? Any other superpowers? Like, can you fly or something?'

'Yes.'

'WHAT?'

'Please do not shout, my hearing is quite acute.'

'Now you are definitely messing with poor lil' Janey! C'mon there's no way you can fly.'

'I believe wherever I came from may have much higher gravity than Earth. I examined some of my skin cells under a microscope and they appear to be much denser than any material occurring naturally here. It requires some effort of will on my part to remain on the ground.'

'Ohhh... that would account for why you don't make any noise when you walk. What do you weigh? If you don't mind me asking.'

'I do not know, no scale appears to register my presence, I have to press down on them to make them work and then the trick is to make them stop at a number that corresponds to the weight I should be were I human. Doctor's appointments are a sore trial to me, especially when they try to give me a shot and cannot pierce my skin. It is a further inconvenience given that I do not get sick. At least on the farm MamaRuth and PapaMichael were able to keep me safe. It is much more difficult to hide my nature here among all these people.'

'You should try developing a standoffish personality.' Jane reached over and plucked Daria's spectacles off her nose and put them on. 'Hi, I'm Daria, go to hell.' She said in a dull monotone. 'Hey, these glasses are just plain glass! Why do you Gah! Dulce Santa Madre de Dios!' Jane had finally gotten a good look at Daria's eyes. Her pupils were black. That wasn't so unusual in itself, after all, Trent had black-pupiled eyes but these weren't like any eyes she'd ever seen before, they were more like holes in reality, leading to some dreadful abyss. She felt her hair standing on end.

'Lo siento mucho, Jane,' _('-I am so sorry Jane.-') _Daria replied in flawless Spanish as she got up and put her glasses back on. 'Yo no quería asustarte. Ya me voy, adiós.' _('-I did not wish to frighten you. I will leave now, goodbye.-')_

'Whoa, hold on a cotton pickin' minute. I didn't ask you to leave all right? Yes, you scared me but... and speaka da English please my Spanish isn't all that hot, just the bits I picked up from Penny before she left. Geeze sit back down Daria.'

'Are you sure you do not want me to leave?'

'Yes, I'm sure, I said it didn't I? Now look, you're not... you're not here to enslave mankind or drink our blood or something freaky like that huh?'

'No Jane, I most certainly am not.' Daria replied as she sat back on the bed.

Jane considered her friend, looking so tiny and lost and helpless and yes, still my friend even if she's an alien. 'OK, start at the beginning. What do you know about yourself?'

'Where do I begin? Well as I told you I remember everything from the moment I met PapaMichael and MamaRuth, but I recall nothing before that at all. I do not know if it is what happened when I met them or something else that is responsible for that lapse.'

'What happened when you met them?' Jane had stopped painting and sat down on the floor.

'I was less than two I think, I toddled out from a stand of corn into the road and they ran over me with their truck.'

'Geeze louise! What the...? Tell me you're kidding!'

'No Jane. This is what happened. PapaMichael was driving and thought he had killed me. He almost went insane with remorse, he suffered many psychological problems due to his experiences in a war. When he found out I was not hurt too badly he wept for the first time in his adult life, or so he told me later, and vowed to protect me for as long as he lived. A promise which he kept I might add. MamaRuth was not so sure but came to love me in time. They never found out where I came from or how I came to be wandering around the Texas countryside naked and alone.'

'So they kept you safe and adopted you?'

'Yes. They both had contacts in the civil authorities and social services most of whom seemed to be glad that I had a home and didn't have to go into the foster system so the adoption went through and certain irregularities were "glossed over" as they put it.'

'That was lucky.' Jane nodded sagely. 'You could have ended up in some hick town orphanage or worse, the military might have found out about you and decided to dissect you to see what you were!'

Daria nodded. 'Yes I was fortunate. The farm was not a bad place to grow up and they both taught me a great deal and gave me access to all the books and learning aids I required. I wish I could have remained there but MamaRuth's health has been failing since her husband died. Jakob would be her only heir and he has no interest in the farm so she took an offer from a conglomerate that wanted to search for oil on the land and sold out. Half of the money will sustain her in the nursing home for as long as she lives, the rest has been put into a trust that pays for my maintenance and education through college. I believe that is why Helen and Jake were so eager to take me in, it payed for them to get out of Highland.'

'Aha! I get that now. So what do you plan to do? In the future I mean.'

'Go to school, go to college, get a job. What else would I do?' Daria asked, puzzled.

'You could get a cape and fight crime! You could be Batwoman and I could be your sexy sidekick known only as - The Artist!'

'If you do not mind me saying so that sounds more like a Super Villain than a superhero.'

'That could be fun too, I could stage crime scenes to be replications of famous paintings!'

'You seem to be taking this very well. I was afraid you might...'

'What? Turn you in to Area 51? Nah, what's the fun in that? You know I used to think that Lawndale was the most boring town in the universe then you pop up. Kid, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!'

'Casablanca?'

'Yes Daria, Casablanca. Now, tell me. Is Daria your real name or are you really Princess Aura of the planet Mungo?'

'Well... when I was found I couldn't talk much, I kept saying this one thing over and over so they thought it was my name.'

'What was it?' Jane asked.

'Darelia. But MamaRuth shortened it to Daria because she'd read that name in a story.'

'So your real name is Darelia?'

'No, I only understood it later. I was saying Dar-El i ah, which means I am Dar-El in my own language, but I am content with Daria. That reminds me, some of the early sketches in your books seemed to be signed L. Lane rather than J. Lane. Why is that?'

'Oh, yeah, Jane is actually my second name, I never liked my first name so I've been going by Jane since I was a kid.'

'Oh, so what is... wait a moment, I hear something.'

'What, I can't hear an...'

'Shhhh!'

Daria cocked her ear then moved back and forth across the room from one corner to the other. 'Triangulating' Jane thought to herself.

Suddenly Daria ran to the door and almost ripped it off its hinges as she opened it. Jane followed as Daria reached the staircase and leapt from the top to the bottom.

'Daria? What...?'

'I have to fly Jane, Quinn is in trouble.' She threw open the front door and was gone.

* * *

Authors notes.  
Well this has been fun. What I most enjoyed was the speculation about what or who Daria could be. Egoboosts to Ranger Thorne for guessing right. I was hoping someone would speculate that it might be Daria the Borg or T'Dar the Vulcan  
Thanks for reading.

*Superman is the creation of Jerry Siegel and artist Joe Shuster and is the intellectual property of DC comics.*


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